I'm 18. When I was 8 months old, my parents got divorced. I went back and forth between my mom and her family and my dad and his family every 4 days. After a while, it was less often and less consistent, around every few weeks.

When I was with my dad, I felt like I was on drugs and I was so happy, but I didn't know why. Now I think it's because he forced me to stay up at night. When I would first get to his house and part of the time I was with him, I would get very irritated, agitated, and disgusted by everything.

Every time I came back to my mom's house I would be in an irritated, agitated, and disgusted mood. After a few days of living with her, I would get used to it and calm down. She thought I did this all because I didn't like her or hated her. That's not true, and I told her that many times in the past few years.

I stopped talking to my dad when I was 12 because I didn't want to deal with him anymore. He abused me emotionally, verbally, and physically. He told me if I called my step dad to pick me up, he would never talk to me again. He was lying, but I wasn't sure, and I was tired of begging him to like me.

I called my step dad to pick me up. I was so sad, but I didn't cry. I didn't want my step dad to see. I was embarrassed to try to call my dad or his parents because I didn't want to look desperate. I got very sad sometimes after that, but I ignored it.

I started to lose all my real feelings. I barely felt anything like sadness, happiness, sympathy, or empathy anymore. I felt numb. I mostly felt things like anger, paranoia, anxiety, being irritated, depression and bored with everything. I couldn't enjoy anything anymore.

I was staying at a ladys house upstate with someone I considered a friend. I got drunk. The girl got me in trouble on purpose. The lady called my mom and step dad to make them come back from vacation in another country to pick me up.

I stayed on the balcony for a few days while I waited for my parents to come get me. I wanted to ignore everyone.

I called my dad and his parents. Not because I cared but to use them to have someone to talk to. We continued talking after that, and I started to see them again.

There were times in the next 6 years that I felt sad, but that rarely happened. I also had feelings when I was drunk and when I drank, smoked weed, and took an e pill in one night.

I stopped sleeping this year at the end of September. Now, I alternate all day between having feelings and being numb. I get mixed episodes. My feelings have become as strong as they were when I was little. I can't control them. I'm not used to them.

I needed to calm down because I can't let my feelings be this strong all the time. It's also unhealthy to barely sleep. I took sleeping pills twice in the past week.

Since I have no sympathy or empathy when I'm numb, I'm mean to people I care about. When I'm like this, I don't control my anger because I don't feel what they feel. I feel bad, but it's not a strong feeling.

When I get my feelings back, I get so sad and cry about everything I said and did to them. I get so scared after every time I argue with the people I care about because I feel like they might die and it could be the last time I will ever get to talk to them. I don't want the last time I talk to them or see them to be bad. I tell them all of this, and I tell them I care just in case it's the last time.

If you're going to tell me to take any medicine, then don't bother answering. I don't think I can have real or strong feelings unless I don't sleep. I like how I am, so don't tell me to change. Just tell me how to control it better. Please. What can I do? How can I control my emotions?