I am not seeing any therepist,i have considered this option though. Spending time and money + accepting that i have a psycological problem & letting someone treat me is something i cannot do.
I hide my problem under cover of lazyness. I spend a lot of time on my bed, and by a lot i mean 16-18 hrs a day at least. To escape reality and people around me, i spend time on internet, reading, movies, porn, sleeping etc. I took up smoking, drinking and drugs in attempt to communicate with people. I had a perception that if i am high, i will get courage and i will not have to think ten times before speaking a word.
Fear of rejection is soo deep routed in me that i do not make any friends. Total number of friends i have is two. I never recieve calls or reply to smses thinking that what i say will be misinterprted. I do not hang out with friends and my family thinks its out of lazyness. I do not attend college regularly and i am in blacklist every semester because of it. My roommates, college mates and teachers think that i do it because i am lazy and overconfident about studies. I never had a girlfriend. When someone touches me, i push them away. When i talk to anyone i think "maybe i am hurting them, maybe they are getting bored by me, maybe i am too negative and affecting them negatively, maybe i should not have come here in first place etc". I want to be normal. I am not weak,shy or timmid. I know i am strong,therefore every time i am broken i make another attempt to get up and ready to face another failure. Its just that i want to get up and ready face another success. Worse thing is that i soo much want to do things but i cannot. How can people be soo happy in company of others?? Why can i not? Its xmas today and i am alone in my hostel, away from family and friends, i know i should be out with people but i think i will regret being with people. In a couple of days it will be my birthday,then new year and i will be alone then too insted of partying. What should i do??