Quote:
Originally Posted by flipchart
Hi all,
Yesterday I had an outburst of rage at my mother's and stepfather's home. My throat is still aching as I have yelled at my stepfather for quite a time at the top of my voice. My ears started ringing, that's how loud I was.
I am still surprised, because usually I am rather self-controlled or derisive, when feeling angry.
I cannot say what the trigger was, probably a personal offense, because I remember that I darted out of my chair shouting at him, how dare he talking to me like this. I noticed that he was shocked when confronted with my rage, and then he accused me of being crazy.
My mother started crying, as usual, and lowering the blinds at the window, complaining to her husband about the "best Christmas" she ever had and that she sometimes feels like killing herself.
After the outburst I felt surprisingly calm in an empty way, like standing in a cold desert. The way you feel after vomiting. I felt and feel dispassionate about the scene, only a whiff of guilt. In a subsequent talk with my stepfather, which didn't lead anywhere, no reconciliation, he accused my of heartlessness because I didn't show any emotions.
Anyway, last year I finished a three-year therapy. Depression and fear of being critisized. Now I wonder whether this outburst of rage is a positive sign or if something is completely going wrong here. Would a normal person feel bad about it??
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I hope I can help you connect the dots on this, because that seems to be what is necessary here. I'm not surprised that you feel "dispassionate" about the episode. For one thing you have vomited up all your stored rage at your stepfather and mother, and for another your minimized feelings now help protect you from owning what you did. I see a lot of posts on PC about people raging or feeling no emotions, or being on a roller coaster or not being able to control their emotions, on and on and on. ALL of that is worthy of being taken to a medical professional; first to rule out physical causes (like a brain tumor, for example) then to a counselor to help you sort out and get in touch with your feelings, thoughts, and emotions without storing them up like so many poisonous nuts to be blasted out at someone.
I don't see 'outbursts of rage' as a positive sign. I think people have been sold a bill of goods thinking that it is somehow an acceptable way to 'get in touch with one's feelings' but I think an even more valuable way would be through meditation and a daily acknowledgement, even a moment-to-moment acknowledgement of one's thoughts and feelings. For example, I find it troubling that you use the term "derisive" since that is not a good way to approach anyone.
You can apologize for shouting even if you think the content of your message was fair or just or the truth. Considering your stepfather said you were crazy, though it sounds like the content of your message was incomprehensible to him.
I work with someone who has a whole host of poor accommodations to the turmoil inside her. They don't work because they
are poor accommodations; and in fact drive her life along the
same miserable path it has been on for over 30 years.
I'm no medical professional but my goal in offering advice to people is for them to have a happier, more well-adjusted life. This is the spirit in which I have offered my comments. I hope this has helped.