Hi T,

Yes it's me again. I know, I'm getting sick of hearing myself too. I'm just not sure what else to do right now. We left things in a less than fantastic way. The last session, even the last two, thankfully were a wee bit better. I know you're trying. I just don't understand how you're not hearing me, hearing why I still need to talk about this stuff, hearing how much I've been hurt. I still feel sad that after our almost four years together than I didn't get to say goodbye properly before the break. I needed to do that because things have been so shaky. I needed one little connecting moment at the end. I tried in the text and you seemed to completely ignore my heartfelt message. It would have taken so little to help me. A very small reassurance, that you'd heard me and that you were still responding to me, and trying to help me get through this. You used to try so hard to help me through these times and now it feels like I'm fighting, fighting, fighting...and nothing comes of it.

You said you were present, other than being so tired. If you are, then have I previously just imagined that we have more of a relationship than what we actually do? You do know that you mean so much to me? I mean, how am I supposed to learn to build a healthy attachment when the person I'm attached to doesn't care back about me like I care about them? Is it possible? Do you actually like me anymore? It seems like you are so frustrated with me all of the time despite how hard I'm trying and how much I'm still improving. It makes me feel like you must resent me, deep inside yourself. I'm not even sure if you realise that you do. I think something about me is clashing with something inside of you, and I never realised how bad it was but now you've told me (and you've shown me). I'm trying so hard to fix it, to fix my own mistakes...but it's like even that doesn't matter or get me anywhere. You still seem to be missing how hard I'm working to fix my mistakes...and you're still often responding to me with distance, disconnection, or anger and frustration. I am frustrated because I'm trying so hard all of the time and it's not fixing anything, and I don't know what more I can do.

Please, just come back to me after the break...as you. I don't know how we fix something so big in 50 minute weekly sessions. It doesn't feel possible and it doesn't feel fair that I just have to keep hanging on. I don't know what I did that was so wrong.

You know when things first started to go so wrong? When you accused me of not trying so many times? When you were very angry and raised your voice for the whole session and didn't respond to me while I sat there feeling so horrific? It started because you thought I was resisting you. throwing up a wall. You felt like you'd been physically hit you later told me. Since then we've discussed how I don't cry in front of people. I wasn't sitting there in front of you in that much of a state because I was just processing things (like you thought was typical of people who were crying). That's not like me at all. I fought so hard not to cry in front of you for well over 3 years. How could you think that I was simply processing things when I was suddenly in that much of a state? Do you remember that this is me? Are you responding to me as a unique person? Often what you're doing now feels like it's generic responses, reactions, and comments that should help people in general...but none of it's helping me. You weren't like that once.

So since then we've discussed the crying and how it's a big thing for me. You hadn't realised that after all these years? I told you the only reason I was now crying was because I was trying SO hard not to resist myself. It is happening because for the first time, in my life...I'm truly not automatically blocking the hard stuff and instantly looking away from it. I'm trying so hard to share it with you, like you wanted. So in that initial hard session when you got so angry because I was "NOT TRYING"...did you realise that I was crying at the time when I was trying to answer you, before you got angry? Do you realise that it was happening because I was looking at really hard things inside myself that made me so distressed that I actually cried in front of another human being? I didn't answer your questions correctly, you kept telling me I was resisting. Don't you realise I didn't know I wasn't answering the correct question and I thought I was trying? I was even crying because I wasn't looking away from the awful stuff. I wasn't resisting you. I was resisting myself far less than usual in fact.

That's why this all feels so unfair and I'm so confused about why things have continued to get worse and worse. It was bad enough to begin with...and then you forgot to call me when I most needed it. The one time I've asked. Then there's all the other stuff, like being so disconnected and dismissive towards me. I've been trying and fighting so hard the whole time...and even though I'm not sure I made a mistake big enough to justify what's happened, I'm still fighting to fix every part of myself that led to the misunderstandings we've had. I've fought with everything I've got...and right before the long break...I don't even get to say goodbye. When I risk reaching out in text...after everything, with my heartfelt thanks and apology for my part in it all, you reply "that is fine and thanks".

Anyway T. I guess that's it. This is making the break very hard. I don't know how to fix this in once weekly 50 minute time slots...I guess I'm going to be coping with this for a long while.

Yes. I know. I'm very, very sick of hearing myself.

I hope you're well though. You mean a lot to me, so whether you like me or not, want to keep working with me or not...I hope things for you are good.

Take care,

From the idiot who has far too much to say, no one to say it to, and not enough time to say it all to you.