Hi Nicholas, Wow! Your post has such depth I was shocked to read that you are only 20 yrs old. I am over twice your age and have had a very difficult life with physical problems and now the mental one's too. I can relate to what you say, so much, that it is scary. When I fall in love, it is deep, it is true and it is lasting. Unfortunately, sometimes we fall for someone who does not reciprocate the feelings and it is devastating. Sadly, if your ex turned around and hooked up with another on the same day, that says a lot about her. I'm sure your friends would tell you the same thing. Of course, that does not ease your pain and i do understand pain. I have always taken the loss of a boyfriend/love interest very hard. It has taken me years to get over a relationship but I hope for your sake that you won't take as long. You are young and will have many girl's in the future I'm sure. It takes time to find the right one to settle down with and you won't find her unless you stay in the game. Someone special is out there for you it's just a matter of time.

You say you are unstable, but that is how you feel today. How can anyone be stable when they are using/drinking on a regular basis? Not that I am a purist but don't these drugs exacerbate your feelings of worthlessness when they wear off? Oh, I can understand how they may feel good as an escape now and then (I like to drown my sorrows too) but you won't be living like this forever. Eventually, you will need to be self supporting to achieve your goals of a wife and family.

You ask how does one live with the nice house, kids, husband/wife and still feel alone? Well I don't have any of these. I am old and alone with no prospects for the future. I am struggling day to day like you. Asking myself why bother? I didn't even get out of bed today because I have the day off. You ask what makes me hold on? Sometimes it's my therapist. I know he will be expecting to see me at our next appointment. He is kind, compassionate and really understands me like no one else. I don't know how I managed before meeting him. Things are still tough but having someone in your life that cares means everything to me and I think you may feel the same. You say your memories are depressing, well I have sad memories too. However, the other thing that keeps me going is the memory of how good that first kiss felt, how good it was to hold someone in my arms and feel safe. Remember, there was a time before that happened (say 1 yr ago) when you didn't know it ever would come about. You had those good feelings because you were here participating in the world. You might not have predicted it a year ago but it happened and it was good or else you wouldn't be so upset over the loss. I sometimes have hope that one day I'll have someone else in my arms. Someone who loves me and shares their inner thoughts with me. It's just a hope but if it happens, boy will it be worth it. I want to stick around to find out.

I don't really have the answers for you as your life will be different from mine. Your life, hopefully, will be better. Give it time, you need to give yourself a break and just hang in there until another good memory comes up. It will happen, have just a little faith. If your friends give you support then lean on them. If reading or something else gives you support then go to it. You are definitely someone that this world needs to hear more of.