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Dec 26, 2012, 01:29 PM
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Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,288
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Me
So helpful Open Eyes. Thank you. Really. I'm scared and not sure he wants to work on this because for him he thinks everything is fine. At least I think he does. He is as avoidant of intimacy as I am and for no obivious reason. I'm scared to bring this up with him because of his reaction and that makes me feel too vulnerable to have him poo poo something. I do understand so many others go through this as well but it only seems like me!! Ha.
Hope you continue to see some progress with your h too. I have been standing up for myself in disagreements lately and that has been a good thing. He likes a good healthy argument/discusssion....... sometimes I do too except when only he can be right.
It's the intimacy thing that is most disturbing because that is what we need and yet it is close but so far also.
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He is avoidant of intimacy for a reason as well. Often this is due to "his" feelings of "inadequacy" somewhere. And "avoidance" typically comes for some kind of past "pain" or being let down or a "lack", something where he was deeply hurt and hides it. To get to the reason you would have to know a lot about his past and how he was raised, old girlfriends, somewhere he didn't learn how to be "comfortable" with intimacy.
Ah, the fact that he likes to debate is because it is a place/interaction he has the capacity to feel "worthy" or "empowered". This is often an area where men who struggle utilize to "compensate" and they use "knowledge" as a path to "empowerment". Many men try to "dominate" their females this way and do not realize that this domination brings alot of "discomfort" to the female. Often men do this to "dominate" and maintain the "male domineering role in the home/relationship". This is something that men often do by "nature" and we can see extremes of this in different cultures.
If the woman in the relationship is the domininant one, often the man will struggle with "intimacy". Also if the female is a "dominant narcisist" the children will struggle because they do not see the right kind of "male to female" balance taking place to observe and imprint on.
If you listen to most men, they want a woman to "listen to them, love them and appreciate them physically, and feel that they are the dominant one in the home". The reason a lot of men "cheat" is because they often feel "unappreciated" in their relationship. So, if they come across a woman who does fill this need, they will often engage it simply because it boosts their "ego" which is something most men have that is primitive in nature.
Women like to feel "appreciated" and "valued" and "respected" in the relationship. And they don't mind the male being "dominant" as long as the male does it in a way that shows the female she is not just "property". This can be compounded if the female has been a victim of abuse and struggles to find a way to "not feel like she is just property that must give in". A female who has a history of being "sexually abused" struggles to find a way to trust and feel "safe" in a relationship.
Unfortunately this is an area where men simply struggle because they do not know how to appropriately relate to a woman with this kind of challenge. Often this sends them a signal that they are somehow "inadequate" and they do not have enough "emotional intellect" to understand how to react to this challenge. Therefore the relationship begins to suffer with an odd space where neither partner knows what to do to find a way to connect inspite of this challenge.
The answer has to come from not only "marriage counceling" but also personal counceling so that each partner understands themselves, as well as where the relationship also is challenged. So, if only "one" partner is seeking counceling, the relationship will suffer because only one person finds resolve instead of both partners seeing their own problems and learn ways to find better life skills.
Open Eyes
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