Try a therapist and some exercise for starters if you're not already. Your emotions are all bottled up and will blow until you learn to process them, and sounds like you have years stacked up to process. Therapy is really good for this cuz they have techniques to help you process in a measured safe way. And exercise especially yoga helps you learn to focus your mind and energies, and move out the old blocked up stuff. There is a lot of self help info out there like guided meditations on YouTube. You obviously have a heart, it's just maybe iced over from years of hurt and confusion. Take it slowly if you need to.