I've been suffering bouts of depression for over 50 years. I've never counted that up before. And it makes me sad to read it.

While hope springs eternal, I keep trying to "get over it"... Realistically, though, I know somewhere deep down inside that I will have to fight the fight for all of my life...

The most difficult times of depression for me are times when someone dies. My mom died when I was 3, Daddy died when I was 13, my 1st husband died when I was 44 and, most recently (last month) my brother died.

There have been a lot of other "important deaths" in my history, and I always wonder, "Why them? Why not me?" -- not as in survivor's guilt, but more in self-pity...

I find myself at a crossroads of sorts. For the first time in my life, I feel very old. My health is not good, but everyone acts like there's nothing wrong with me except I'm depressed. I get a lot of nagging about what I "should" do or be doing.

I feel alone and I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me. Besides, whatever I attempt to do doesn't ever seem to be enough... I know I have people in my life that love me, but what good is that if you exasperate them constantly?

Maybe someone here will be able to tolerate me better than I tolerate myself. It's lonely when you don't even like yourself...