Quote:
Originally Posted by lindammarie
I've been suffering bouts of depression for over 50 years. I've never counted that up before. And it makes me sad to read it.
While hope springs eternal, I keep trying to "get over it"... Realistically, though, I know somewhere deep down inside that I will have to fight the fight for all of my life...
The most difficult times of depression for me are times when someone dies. My mom died when I was 3, Daddy died when I was 13, my 1st husband died when I was 44 and, most recently (last month) my brother died.
There have been a lot of other "important deaths" in my history, and I always wonder, "Why them? Why not me?" -- not as in survivor's guilt, but more in self-pity...
I find myself at a crossroads of sorts. For the first time in my life, I feel very old. My health is not good, but everyone acts like there's nothing wrong with me except I'm depressed. I get a lot of nagging about what I "should" do or be doing.
I feel alone and I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me. Besides, whatever I attempt to do doesn't ever seem to be enough... I know I have people in my life that love me, but what good is that if you exasperate them constantly?
Maybe someone here will be able to tolerate me better than I tolerate myself. It's lonely when you don't even like yourself...
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lindammarie,
i'm glad you felt comfortable enough to vent. It is lonely when you don't know yourself, but I have a suspicion that you know more about yourself than even your closest loved one. I've been depressed for about forty years, and depression tends to turn you thoughts inward and ask a lot of questions. Questions that no one else would ask because they wouldn't know enough about you to be able to.
Having people that love you is worth a lot. If they have continued to love you, its not exasperation that you see. Its fear, concern and probably some saddness thrown in because they can't do anything to help. They are afraid they might lose you. I tried to take my life for the first time when I was 19. Febuary 1, 1982. For years afterwards, my mother would start calling me and hovering when I visited just prior to the anniversay of the suicide attempt. She was afraid I would choose that date and end it.
I agree with your statement that depression is something you fight for life. Medications and therapy are only bandaids. For many people those things improve the depression, but it never quite goes away. Triggers such as the loss of your brother set off a wave of depression. Long term, chronic depression is very much like being in a state of fresh grief all the time.
There is no answer for why you are alive and those you have lost are not. At least no reason that we can think of. That being said, you probably have more empathy and understanding of emotional suffering than those without depression do. What you decide to do with that knowledge is up to you. I'll bet you would never tell someone else with depression to "suck it up" or "get over it". Its hard to feel good about yourself when you don't have the energy to maintain a normal life and feel like you are just wasting the life you do have.
If you killed someone else either to rob them or just because you felt like it, that would be wasting your life. Depression isn't wasting your life, its just harder to make your way through it.
Sam2