Torn, I wonder why your Pdoc would not suggest working with groups in therapy? It seems like practicing with the safety net of a moderator would be helpful. Maybe he thought it would be too triggering. Hope the self improvement course goes well if you try it. I tend to manage those things by wearing a fake personality. Just another way to subtly avoid by not putting myself out there. I can manage small talk, but not medium talk (if you know what I mean). If you are able to fully participate, I think it could be very helpful to see that you can interact with the "normal" folks.

I will think a bit about your comment that sometimes you "experience praise and admiration and kindness as a trick" to make you expose yourself. I have exactly those feelings at times; I think that stems from childhood bullying. I also have some strong paranoid traits, mostly related to other people talking or laughing. I get absolutely certain that other people are talking about me and don't like me--to the point where I am ready to never speak to them again over it. Usually, of course, people are not discussing me! Yes, it does wear me out. Recently I have had insomnia because I'm sure that the noisy night owl neighbors beneath me are discussing me, and I am compelled to listen for references to me (that never happen). Ugh. I know the facts aren't real, but the feelings are.

I think personality disorder diagnoses are helpful because they describe a pattern of symptoms that often occur together. It has been helpful to me to look into them because I've gained insight into how some of my weird behaviors may be related.

I read about AvPD fantasizing in the Millon book, and he says that eventually it will be unsatisfying and the person gets worse or better. I've had that experience in the past; as a young person when I got too busy, and as an older person who found no more enjoyment from it. But right now it feels like an addiction. I'm fighting an active drive toward daydreaming as a pleasurable activity on top of fighting my avoidance of activities that would make me feel exposed or trigger my feelings of inadequacy. Very tough. If I could use it as a reward or just an escape during my worst moments, it could be helpful.

Two sons, I had a T who told me I was "fantasizing" when I was expressing a wish that things could be different. It really irritated me, too! I think there may be a clinical definition of fantasy that is different than I understand it. Glad you have a tdoc you like.

Chris, at 20 years old your life is definitely not over! In fact, around your age, lots of people have the same issues to some degree. If yours are getting the best of you, confronting them is the best thing you can do for yourself. If you work on it, you can get better over time and your life will be more full and happy. I hope you like your T and work well with him/her. If you haven't checked out the psychotherapy part of the forum, it is really supportive of people going through therapy. Posting there might keep you from talking yourself out of continuing. I'm so glad you are posting here! It helps to hear from other people who are fighting through this.