I kinda feel you. And I don't think you just up and decide do be happy or feel a meaning. I think your mood creates the thoughts. For me, deep within, I know it is pointless and I also know I will not reach my dreams. The days I feel it deeply I panic or feel really depressed.

But there are days when I don't feel it. Or don't feel it as strong. People say Look, it's not bad, your OK today.

No, I'm really not OK, I still have the troubles. What I have is a break.

But some days, I have also lived with a curiosity, with a sort of vitality, like life is worth exploring. Those days I was glad I wasn't dead.

But haven't felt much like that lately.

To see things like this, is depression? To see things too clearly? Maybe. But even when I don't suffer I think it is the truth.

Still, your emotions rule. When your emotions tell you life is worthwhile, you will believe it. Thoughts believe feelings, but feelings rarely believe thoughts, at least my brain works like that.

When you lose hope, look around you. There is indeed bad stuff. But also people sometimes are nice and good. And sometimes people regain hope. I always had a "hope" person, someone that had their own struggles but thought there is a meaning and a reason to go on and even more. Even the days I doubted my own ability to live I thought about them, thought they think there is something to life, I will live in their hope a while, even though I lack hope myself.

Because even if I can't have faith, I have this spark in me that WANTS this world to not just be crap.