Hello Dark Heart,
Thanks for your response. And no, my grades didn't suffer from it. I had the highest grades the past 3 years. Only now my grades are suffering, i'm skipping exams. Because every time i have to study, and i'm sitting for like 8 hours in my room, i start to think of the past and of the future; I'm ashamed of the past (i often think that i'm an inherent bad person), and i'm afraid of the future (so afraid that this summer it will all happen again).

My problem is, that at this moment i see that everything is wrong. But in summer, i also see that what i've did was wrong, but i start to think; That was the past, this time is different, **** it! But between two binges, i feel terrible. So then i go out two times in a row and i stay sober. But the third time, i explode again.

During the day in summer vacation, i'm pretty much hooked on the internet. And i have many ideas as i said, like writing movies, going sailing on my own across the sea, starting companies. I don't do most things i think about, or i start them and i don't finish them, because they werent that much fun as they were in my mind. But before i realise that i didnt like it that much, i talked about it to many people. So most people think i very often change my mind (which i do). My friends also know that when school starts, they don't hear from me again untill next summer.

I made my first appointment at a therapist (i'm a bit afraid of psychiatrists, because i don't like the idea of taking medication which has an effect on my brain--> As i said earlier, i have a phobia for changes in my brain, despite all my binge drinking which is making it worse). I'm also afraid that my therapist will say something like; you are one of the baddest cases i've seen in my whole life, you should immediately go to a psychiatrist.

I'm afraid of not being normal. It's something of my youth. My whole family is depressed, my sister has borderline, and my dad is said to be bipolar (but it started after a severe accident, and a severe aneurysm in the frontal lobe in his brain, so maybe i shouldnt be that much afraid of inheriting bipolarity from my father?)?

I'm just very afraid, and i feel like a bad person. I wasn't always good for other people. And therefore, i tend to keep people away from me because i think i'm a bad person and that i should stay alone.

Furthermore, i've never been aggressive since like 12yo. I don't like discussions and i don't like fights.

But i must say, in summer i often have moments like i'm feeling to explode, stress is killing me. When i see my mother at those moments i don't want to talk. So i just say to her, sorry mum but i feel very stressed, and i know that i'm going to say things which i will regret in a couple of hours when you talk to me now. At such moments i go back to my room, and i often stay in my room for the whole day, untill the stress wears off. This stress mostly occurs after evenings of binge drinking.

At school i'm a quiet and very respected person, who is very academic and kind. Although when i'm walking at school, i still feel like that person with a big secret of drug and alcohol abuse, who is inherently bad.

Thanks everyone for reading this. You're helping me alot. Never told this stuff to anyone, but recently it all became to much, and it had to get out, because it was starting to impair my normal life.