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Where am I !!! Not in this world that is for sure. Have I ever been in this world. This has always been a question that has haunted me. Even as a young child I can remember questioning the reality of "me".
Do I want to live in this world, that might be a better question. I Have chose not to for most of my life. Maybe it was not choice, at least not completely.
I find myself fighting between wanting to live out in the world and wanting to stay in mine. This causes a great rift in me, a rift that can be quite painful. The pain comes from the feeling that I am missing all the experiences of this world.
Thinking of that cause remorse, guilt and anger. I try to mitigate these thoughts and feelings in many ways but it WONT go away
I have almost completely dropped out of this world now. Even if I wanted to try to live here I dont know how or where to start. It seems so hard, so impossible. I feel old and I want to be young and try again.
I dont know how I even got to 42, it does not seem right!
I think, well I have missed everything so far, what's another 20 years or so.
The pain has been so great at times. It hurt so much!
I think I have become numb just to escape the hurt. Which gives relief but also makes me even more complacent. Then hope all but disappears
This is where I am at. Is this the end? Is this all there is? Is this to be my time here on this earth? It seems like such a waste
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