Okay, so....

I'm losing my insurance soon, so I'm hoping that I'll be able to get into a sliding scale clinic or something to help me with all this, (or something like that.) Until then.... I'd like the not-exactly-expert advice of you guys.

I'm pretty sure I have some type of lesser sever range of limited affect or something like that. I don't think I have flat affect exactly.... and it's not something that happens all the time. I definately feel emotions. But, I don't think I properly express my emotions. Or it doesn't show through properly. Or I maybe have a limited or restricted affect.... hmmmm....

This is important because, the people around me don't get it. I try to explain, but.... it's hard. This is effecting both my home and work life, often on a significant level.

The emotion that seems to suffer the most is "happy." Example: I will feel
happy. But everyone around asks "what's wrong." Or I get the comment, "You need to be more cheerful" (such as at my desk greeting patients.) Or "I don't think you're happy, you never look happy when you get home." Errr? Confused. I'm often feeling extremely happy when I get home. I think I'm expressing it, but obviously I'm not.

This has been occuring for eight years.

Now, I read about it to see if there is anything I can do. My husband thinks I'm unhappy with him, which is 100% not true. I"m very happy with him. Extremely happy. But, that whole "actions vs. words." What I'm displaying to him isn't conveying his, and he's nervous. He's not really knowledgable about mental illness. Like he doesn't understand I've had depression my whole life and if I'm depressed it's not his fault. It makes me sad, I don't want him to feel like any of this is his fault.

So, I need to figure out what to do.... trying to educate doesn't seem to help. So, I need to fix me instead. Does anyone else have this type of issue? Where it seems your body/face are out of synce with the rest of you? What are some strategies I can use? Sometimes I know I'm possibly blunted... I do feel this big empty emotion. Manic, depressed.... but.... empty....? It's confusing...

I feel like I'm full of holes. Over here I'm rage. Then there's a hole. Then there is manic, then a hole, then depressed, then a hole.... it's like swiss cheese. It's weird, I can't explain it any better. Sorry.

Any ideas?