This isn't helping. The meds don't work. My family doesn't help and my life is falling to pieces. My kids hate me. My husband doesn't understand me and I'm to the point where I can't stand myself.
I don't know what to do. I need to leave or die! Something needs to change and there's no way of telling what or even how. I pray every night that I don't wake up. I love my children, but they're better off without me. I don't think I'ma good mother, know I'm not a good wife and starting to worder whether I am a good person or not. I may think I am, but if it were true, things would go my way once in a while... a break. I'm tired of working so hard for everything. Not talking actual working... just everything. Christmas was horrible! I hate where I am. I don't want to be here any more and no where to go!
If I left then it would be abandonment. If I die, well, the obvious there... I'm trapped and helpless and on the brink of something, I think, not good. I just want to be gone and relieve everyone that has had to put up with me for so long. I'm tired of being in pain and causing pain. Just one person! One person to really understand, know what I feel and that's not possible.
I feel like maybe one attempt DID work and this is purgatory?? I'm not religious, but... starting to wonder. Am I already dead? Was this another chance but I can't change? I can't make things happen how they're supposed to? Damned to just be this way for eternity?
I see no light. There's no happiness. Disconnected. Alone. Helpless. Hopeless.