I saw my social worker today and have to call the local crisis line 4 times a day to check in with them until Monday. I find this really annoying. I had 2 other choices, go to crisis bed or go to the hospital. So i chose calling. If I miss a call they will call me and if they can't get ahold of me they will send law enforcement.

As far as making ammends I have been doing this most of my adult life. I have appologized for how I was growing up many times to my family. As far as for the people that have wronged me I don't know exactly how to explain it. As far as I'm concerned I deserved everything that has happened to me. I some how have myself believed that I was such a bad kid and continue to be a bad person that I deserve all the bad things.

I'm sorry to everyone here for not being a good member or friend here at pc. The struggling continues and the thoughts continue to go in the dark path sometimes I feel like I can't get out of it. I'm not sure what am supposed to do with myself now.

I told my social worker I would have gone to the hospital if didn't have 1 more christmas and have bills that have to get on payday which is in the next week and she didn't know if could be out by then. I just feel like I am stuck. I know hospital isn't the answer and doesn't help me. I wasn't going to go to a crisis bed cause that was just way to scarey to me.

Sorry I put my problems out here and cause worry.

hugs,
jen