Hello again Moira, glad you made it back here
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If I could use it as a reward or just an escape during my worst moments, it could be helpful.
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Ah, don't you find though that the trouble with fantasy/daydreaming is that you can't do it to order? I found I could only really indulge when it occurred in a sort of background way without my being consciously aware that that's what I was doing. Once I realized just how much of my life I spent in fantasy land suddenly I wasn't able to do it anymore
. I've now completely lost the ability to even daydream and it's really no fun having my face rubbed in reality to this extent. My substitute now is distracting (books, tv, the internet...) but that's not nearly as effective or comforting.
Yeah your T's comment about a wish for things to be different as being fantasizing sounded more like a criticism or a judgement and didn't strike me as helpful at all
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I can relate to being able to make the small talk and actually I can sometimes manage medium talk too, only with people I know really well though (not many in other words
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but even that took me a couple of years to get the hang of being able to be more open and the paranoia and fear still affect me.) I look on forum interactions as a microcosm of the the real world and therefore a great 'practice' for reality.
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I have exactly those feelings at times; I think that stems from childhood bullying. I also have some strong paranoid traits, mostly related to other people talking or laughing.
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From what I gather of the descriptions of AvPD, it's not that far removed from paranoia. And I suspect a lot of Avoidants probably drop into a more paranoid state than the descriptions acknowledge. I certainly do, in the sense that it's not out and out paranoia and so very difficult to disprove or rationalize away effectively. Fear creates something to be afraid of! How can you disprove fear when it speaks so seductively and insistently of threats to be defended against?
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Ugh. I know the facts aren't real, but the feelings are.
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Exactly!
You know I'm not really sure why the Pdoc discounted my doing group therapy, he just said it was more or less contraindicated for paranoid personality disorder (that's his dx for me, my P assessed me with AvPD - both of which fit me very well). The trouble is I think he was operating from his status quo which is that PPD people aren't normally aware THAT they are paranoid and so being in a group situation apparently not only exacerbates their paranoia but can be lethal to the rest of the group too (I'm guessing.) This is always my problem with a dx - once you're aware of your issues and dysfunctional ways of thinking and beliefs, you no longer really fit the dx and so the treatments aren't always appropriate... but that for another thread maybe...
Moira did you think anymore about how praise and kindness can be a sort or trick? It's a very paranoid response on my part and I know exactly where it came from and why but it may not be how other people experience it. I just wondered if you had any further ideas about why praise and kindness would make you feel ashamed. Of course there is no need for you to reply to that (or anything else here for that matter) unless you're absolutely comfortable doing so
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Thanks again for replying.
Torn