Here - titled "Writing through the Darkness"

http://www.amazon.com/Writing-Throug.../dp/1587613190

I have not read the book but I have seen good reviews. You clearly write well and are very articulate - I just quoted one particularly articulate piece from your post above, so this technique might do wonders for you and accomplish what the meds and ECT could not. Also, do not kill yourself. I had a boyfriend who eventually killed himself (long after we went each our own path) and... some years earlier his dad had killed himself. So it can be passed down from generation to generation. If you want your kids to die of natural causes one day, do not kill yourself for their sake.