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I have a couple of hours before work. Life has not been easy, and yet I can name my joys, two grown children, healthy and still expanding, a grandson, physical health, a job. I am sixty years old and my dream, not new but re-chosen from many, is to get my house ready to sell, buy a small conversion van and take temp jobs, live very simply, go camping, rent an apt. now and again for periods of time, walk, take photos, travel, read, write, knit for real.
But here I am again, on the couch where I have spent most of my time when not working for several months now, maybe longer, and all those things seem out of my reach, a dullness surrounds me, my house is a mess, I am alone (which has not always bothered me) and lonely, and not feeling sure at work (there are good reasons for that but not good enough for me and I know I am just letting myself go down for the count). Getting to work is so difficult, I force myself and, unlike the past, I am not fine once I get there, I am there, I do what I have to---this job is not active enough to rouse my energy I have lost my ability to go beyond, to be creative.
Christmas with my son, daughterinlaw and grandson was lovely but the undercurrent was painful (the one in me, not there or them)
I feel a need to escape, to run away, to toss this house, let it go...given the actual situation this is not ok.
I want to sleep forever but am disturbed by unpleasant dreams, I want to walk and run but feel unable to put one foot in front of the other.
Yet, when I visited my daughter on my days off (I work 4 ten hour days) I flew down to her, and had a wonderful three days-----
Even during the active, good, healthy time, I could feel the undercurrent of great sadness trying to pull my feet out from under me, and my emotions were silent but internally raw.
I cannot seem to get out of my own way, or off the couch , things that once worked work no longer---and damn it, I just don't have an expanse of time ahead------I need to begin yesterday if I am not going to end up an old woman staring out the window of some subsidized apartment or ...
I need to cry but cannot, to mourn losses but cannot, to dance, to get out and walk but cannot---and the clock keeps ticking, relentless.
Who cares if an aging woman has no energy to make a meal, I will get to the corner store today only for food for the cats, ...who cares if the dishes pile up, I am ashamed at what my son sees when he stays overnight during his league basketball season, I only let one other person into the house lately, and the snow is still not shoveled. I just can't, even though lying here brings anxiety, tension, and more dark thoughts.
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