((Big Mama)),

You were young and did not have the life skills to know what to do in that situation.
You were also in a situation where you didn't feel you could tell your parents and have them help you. I had that happen as well, and this is actually something that happens to many who suffer abuse of somekind.

We often believe that when we get away from a certain abuse that we can move on and live our lives. But, it doesn't really work that way, because our brains hold onto the experience along with the emotional stresses. We are really designed to remember like this so that we can survive by avoiding dangerous situations that are similar in the future. And we "can" build up a subconscious way of "avoidance" to something and mark it "danger".

At this point you are now examining this trama, feeling it in everyway, and wondering how to adjust yourself so that you can understand it better and not have such a bad reaction anymore. And right now you are slowly putting this bad life experience into words as well. And as your subconscious mind sends forward what is trapped in these tramatic memories, you are slowly talking about it and finally allowing yourself to discribe the uncomfortable emotions that are held in that trama.

People have different reactions to trama, either they decide to avoid any reminders of the trama because they do not want to re-experience the emotional duress, or they pursue similar challenges in efforts to finally achieve a sense of control of this type of trama. And sometimes they do a little of both and try then withdraw because they do not know how to get rid of the subconscious fears/anxieties/stress/anger that is trapped somehow deep in the subconscious mind.

Big Mama, right now you are just beginning to discover and talk about these troubled emotions and questions/memories that are held in your subconscious mind. And it does feel like somehow all of a sudden the pocket of "trama" just comes forward on it's own without you realizing it or even being prepared for it. When that happens we can begin to struggle with being very confused by this and even feel that we can't seem to control it as well.

As you are sorting through this in therapy and also interacting with your husband at the same time, you will begin to see areas in your relationship that you feel unsafe with as well. And you have already pointed some of these areas out. I have the same "awareness" myself and I agree, it is a challenge and it takes time to sort through the things that make you feel uncomfortable or remind you of being abused.

It is going to take you time Big Mama to sort through all of this in therapy. Know you are not alone with this and you are in the early stage of just slowly addressing whatever emotions are trapped that will come forward that you have to slowly address "consciously". It is "normal" to want to withdraw for a while as you do so, after all, you are only beginining to sort through these emotions and you are not really ready to interact physically until you can get to the point where you have had time to address what is there.

Keep talking about it and be "patient" with yourself as well. This really takes time.

((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes