The last few months I have been in a lot of pain, the lupus type variety. This month has been really bad, probably the worst as far as that goes, so I have been slacking on the yoga and everything else pretty much. then my mother and all that stress and just life stress. Now I find myself in a really weird mental space, not a very good one.

What I asked for christmas was for yoga, I have been having a hard time paying for it. My bf got me three months unlimited, and I am so greatful for that.

I was thinking if I start on the 1st it is the new year. I could start the new year with another 90 day challenge. If I did that I would be able to catch up to where I was and maybe even deepen my practice further. Also I wanted to do the competition for my province that I removed myself from, and I would be able to do that this year. It could be a good way to start the year off and turn this around. Is what I am thinking. But the challenge is also a hard one considering I have kids, a job now, and demands. Then again should I let that stop me from doing this for myself? If I tell myself that it is too much for me I feel like I set limits on my abilities, that is my old ways creeping back in.

But is that a realistic challenge? Is it too much, or should I just try to set my mind to the doing. Right now I don't feel like moving because my body is so inflamed, walking to the kitchen seems to hard. But I am not happy to remain like this. My work has been extremely hard like this. I have lost a lot of weight and now am again quite underweight, my muscles have left or been eaten by my body, I have not been eating. I feel weak and just sliding back to old ways. yeasterday I realized I worked 9 hours, we are severly understaffed, my job is so physical and all I ate was a 200 calorie raw food biscut thing. I don't want to think about what I ate this month.

I am sorry I have been so silent lately, I am still reading and care about you all, I just have been retreating inward, and feeling like defeated in ability to give proper support. mentally overwhelmed ..