I dont know whats wrong with me..i am so screwed up. I feel so horrible and have been irrational for days. Ive been day dreaming of my death and how i feel that things would be so much better if i were gone. I dont know if its the meds or if im just in a deep depression. It seemed as though the meds are helping me stay more calm so i dont want to say its that yet as ive only been taking them now for little over a week. Ive been having thoughts of wanting to injure myself. Im a self mutilator from way back in childhood..started around age 6 with pinching leaving bruises on myself and teachers confronting my parents about it. I had to explain it was me after i tried blaming my brothers for beating me up when they didnt..anyways i havnt hurt myself in yrs and just keep having the thought of wanting to and how it would releas some of my anger and frustrations. I know its not a good thought and i need to see my counselor or doc but i wont see them till the 24th of jan. Getting appts with them is difficult. I am just tired..tired of everything and how im feeling. I dont know how im going to feel in the next hour let alone the next min. Im lost i feel so alone though i know im not. But i feel as if i was the only one who cared and now i dont even care anymore. Im not crying poor me..i just need a release..a healthy way to vent. I have no concentration so reading and tv or even writing this is difficult. I am just not sure where to go from here. I havnt been online in awhile and am sorry i hvant been able to keep up with everyone. I hope everyone had a good christmas and too has a good new year.