That's my point. They will be able to take care of themselves... BETTER if I weren't around. My husband could care less! Seriously... he cares very little but he could care even less. I know he has his issues, but I'm the only one practicing empathy here. It's not bad enough he talks to me like crap to begin with, but he doesn't even see it! He tells me I'm useless, I don't have a job and don't do anything, yet I'm at home all day with 3 kids, one a 3-year old who is almost uncontrollable (at least by me)... even when he's home, he doesn't get much done... but he's too dense to recognize it.
I know that children of suicides have issues. I don't want my kids to go through that. But at the same time, have to decide which is the worst of the two? Having a mom who's crying all the time? Sad? Screaming? Impatient? Or one that's not there any more? I know my husband wouldn't care... he'd just find someone to do the cleaning and take care of the kids who'll give him some every now and then, willing or not. I wish he could see it. I can't explain it any clearer to him. If I faked my death, MAYBE... even then, I really don't think he'd care.
To make matters even worse, talking to my biological father last night telling him how my mom doesn't talk to me any more, he told him how sad he's always been cause he always thought that my mom never wanted kids and when she had me (only child btw) she ignored me and didn't do things for me and that all I wanted was a long dressed and to be loved. How sad!! Not even your mother wants you? It explains a lot! How she's always worried about her clothes and looks but never cared about me. Travelled and dumped me at who-ever's house for the summer but wouldn't pay to have me to extra curricular activities at school. At times I thought she was helping... it took me a while to understand why it was good to have to have your 17 year old daughter make her own car and insurance payments and pay for her own entire college and add on a debt that can't be fixed... "to appreciate those things you have". I appreciated them fine, but it would have been nice to have support... just a little. And it created a downward spiral that can't be turned around.. here I sit, wondering why she ever had me!!!!! I shouldn't have been born, I shouldn't be here!! Clearly, that's caused a butterfly effect that can't be turned back. My mind is garbage. And there's no amount of meds that's gonna fix it... I've tried 'em... the cocktails, multitudes of them, all failed attempts and then 3 actual failed attempts??? I shouldn't be here!!