Well now I am even more depressed !
Allow me this pity party, to wallow in my misery soup, a while.
I was browsing on fb in the lonely hours of this morning and stumbled upon a friend I've been trying to contact. Good news then , I hear you say, well yes, so far, so good.
Then, I started to look through her friends list, as I would know a lot of them as we worked together years ago. I recognised people from 15 plus years ago, some friends of friends etc.

This is the bit, that sounds awful ! Unkind and downright mean, but hey, this is my pity party, it's me being honest.

What hit me, smack, in the face, is they ALL look so God damn HAPPY !
Every b l o o d y one of them looked so happy in their photos. Each with their respective partners, parading in cosy couple pictures together with their kids and grand kids. Holiday snaps, cosy little bars, or wild club nights out. Proud parents celebrating their kids graduations, weddings, and grand kids arrivals.
I have to say it was good to see all of them still (amazingly) with the SAME husband / wife, that they had when I knew them. That was good to see, how they've aged together, some more than others. They all now must have reached their silver wedding anniversary or more.

However, seeing the happy photos effected me, a lot. It sounds unkind, but it's true, I feel ENVIOUS of them. Envy, what an ugly word, an ugly trait.
I can't help wanting to be that happy again, to have FUN, celebrate my birthday with someone special instead of alone. I want to FEEL alive, like they do. I'm not kidding myself, no one's life is permanantly rosy, and on a social network site like fb, people don't load up miserable pictures, but EVERY SINGLE PERSON, without exception, that I knew from years ago had enough on their profile to show the world how their lives were going. One friend, along with various happy snaps, husband, kids, weekends away etc. had simply written in her profile ' I am happy'.

I don't want anyone to have a miserable life, like mine, but hey, I can't help wondering, why I was so unlucky. Why my life is so bad, a miserable excistance.

I have to admit how much seeing these profiles has really effected me. I honestly feel sick to my stomach. Really. I feel bad for feeling so envious but I can't help it, and it's made today's misery soup even harder to swallow.

It might be pathetic of me, unkind and childish to feel this way _

but quite frankly, I'm upset now, and even more low, tears are stinging my eyes, and falling as I write this.

I can't apologise for being honest and I'd welcome your thoughts.

Quite frankly, right now telling me to count my blessings, or list my qualities, or reasons to be grateful, would be pointless.

The fact remains, that I feel the way that I do. Can't help asking why, why them and not me. Happiness, I want some now, isn't that fair ? I want a happy life. A life again, a partner to love me, a job, my kids to respect me again. Just a happy life. Is that too much ?
There's a whole world out there, why am I feeling so left out ?

Truth is simply that.
I AM LEFT OUT of so many things, and stumbling across so many happy people has really brought it home to me with a huge
BANG ! A slap in the face, maybe.

I welcome your thoughts.

Thank you for reading, and sharing my pity party, with misery soup.