How do you have a normal and healthy relationship when you've never known one or had an example of one? I'm debating of moving to the country and living alone for good, but I realize now that is avoiding the problem. But I'm also splitting and every single time I try, I explode in rage which turns to guilt then a deep sadness. I'm very depressed but lucid right now. I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts but no intent of actually doing it. The thoughts stem from my abusive behavior towards my family.Verbal mainly. There's allot of back story though. Dysfunctional and allot of secrets that are coming to the light for the first time. I don't want to ruin my family so I've vowed silence after my last emotional eruption. It's like in that moment I feel right so I say it in a nasty way. But I'm not a mean person, not really I was only trying to be honest. I suffer from co-occurring mental illnesses and alcoholism. I'm in therapy and see a Pdoc but I don't know what to do anymore.