I've missed feeling like you're still out there. I don't know what I'll be returning to next year though. It feels like you're not seeing me for who I am, what helps me, or how I'm improving anymore, and that makes me feel afraid. You were the one good, stable, reliable person I had. A lot of that has gone away and I don't know what to trust anymore. I wish you'd come back so I could find out. I so wish that you'd said something connecting to me before the break. This is actually the longest time we've gone with zero contact in the last (almost) four years. I wish that after everything you'd tried in some way to help me through this. You're going overseas fairly early in the year to, so I'm just going to have to do this all over again far too soon. Back to zero contact, probably before we've had much time to sort everything out. You've made it quite clear anyway. I am just another client to you, just a number, easy to forget or confuse with others. I thought the duration of the relationship might have meant otherwise, but it doesn't. You're so special to me, as the one person I've ever had. I love you but to you, I am just part of your job. Perhaps none of it matters because I seem to be losing you anyway. I keep fighting for things to be okay though. I've really done everything I could to fix this. I've apologised and also tried to fix any and every mistake I've made that might have contributed to this. It's not enough though.

Happy New Years Eve T. I hope you're well, and I do genuinely hope you're enjoying your time with your real-life people. People you actually want in your life. I hope they're being good to you.

I'm feeling pretty low and lonely.