I have been friends with the same two people for a very long time. One of them is like a big sister to me, she is actually my 1st cousin. She is negative and positive in my life.We have literally been best buds since we were in diapers.Another is my best friend from elementary school. Our friendships though have become strained over time and I understand that is normal. Although, I feel like it is less about the normal changes and more about them not understanding how my anxiety affects me. I feel outcasted sometimes and they who only became friends with one another through me and for years did not get along very well, are now much closer and much more alike. I have always been the mediator of them as both are my friends. And now I feel like more of an outcast. I am much more anxious, cautious and grounded than them. They are extroverted, impulsive and etc. I never knew they were so alike. I guess I feel really confused. I am reeked with anxiety about this. The one friend who is like a big sister has always caused me either joy or anxiety. She is a mixed bag. You never know what you are going to get from her. She is much better one on one. When we are in a group she has the tendency to make me feel bad, because he personality is much stronger than mine.My best friend has always been a positive force but lately I feel like I have less in common with her and more disconnected than ever.
Its more than just this. I just don't know. It's almost a new year. I feel lost. I feel like im losing the idea of who I am and what I want because all I do is try to please others. I get so indecisive and worried because of all of it. Being a people pleaser is my biggest anxiety source. I want to actually be able to decide something based on myself. I always get so indecisive and try to please everyone! It's exhausting and causes unneccesary guilt from not being able to accomplish this.

This was very long but it feels good to get it out!! Thank you anyone who reads and responds.