I guess I knew this all along, but tonight I realized I am so over-sensitive it's ridiculous and I don't know if that's a natural character trait or the fact that anxiety rules my life and makes me so rigid.

Tonight I offered some help to someone and it really did seem like what I offered could make a difference, and back came a curt reply saying no without even a thank you for offering. I took that so personally and started feeling like whatever I offer, no one ever accepts and I'm unable to help anyone. Then came the poor me crap.

Maybe it's stemming from feeling absolutely lousy. I really thought I was improving, but it's beginning to look like the higher dose of Lamictal my psych put me on (350 mg) is worsening things. My appetite is wonky (and my nerves already make it hard to eat even when I'm hungry) and suddenly I have an aversion to certain foods. I had a protein deficiency last year before panic/bad anxiety returned and was able to bring it up to normal levels. Now it's got to be in the toilet again because meat is the last thing I want to eat.

I keep worrying I have cancer or some awful disease that is keeping me from gaining weight, although my brain says, "Geisha75, you're taking in far fewer calories than before, so how can you weigh the same as you used to?"

Since my Christmas post, old bitter feelings about my parents are resurfacing thanks to unpleasant childhood memories and that's probably not helping.

Therapy is out for now. I just came away from seven years with the same woman and it was 99% useless. I kept going because she was comfortable and a place to vent to, but no decent advice was ever given other than the usual meditation and yoga crap. I have tried meditation. My mind races like a hamster wheel and before I know it, I can't take being alone with my brain and just sitting there blankly listening to some voice on my iPad or the silence in my mind. My husband asked why I watch videos and play iPad games at the same time once in awhile and I told him it's because I just can't be alone with my brain or my thoughts. My brain torments me endlessly with obsessions. Yoga did nothing but make me furious.

My last two therapy sessions left me in tears because she came at me hard. Why is beyond me. It's possible that it was because I had stopped going to her for months and then started again. This woman liked her money and she wasn't getting her $85/week while I was on hiatus. Yes, I know I have borderline personality problems and can be very black and white, but she didn't need to get snotty about it. I fully admitted I was confused and unable to see the gray areas in life.

I guess I'm just very tired and burned out. 2012 has been a long year of distress and 2011 was too for a different reason (family member's serious illness). I fear 2013 because 13 is an unlucky number (Mom made sure to teach me that).

I see my psych in a couple of weeks and she is the sweetest lady, but she is going to hit a brick wall with me because I didn't take the Luvox she prescribed (the loss of appetite side effect is common and is absolutely not an option) and Lamictal seems to be bothering me. Other than Cymbalta, I have tried almost every SSRI/SNRI out there. Did I mention I'm bipolar NOS? My last psych told me no one with bipolar should be on anti-depressants, and I've read that too.

Sorry to bug you all with yet another thread. The frustration is just getting to me.