it's funny, i have become pretty much reclusive, but not because i'm anxious about other people but more because i can't be bothered with dealing with their... stuff. even the so called nice stuff bores me and bothers me. like, my mum wants to take me out to lunch. i've agreed to go next week but only so it's out of the way and i won't have to do it again for a while. i just can't be arsed. i almost hate the idea of going, but i can't even be bothered to do that.

the only real "anxiety" i have is when i go on public transport. i have "issues" i guess is the best word with people touching me, being too close to me, invading my space, and in particular elderly people. an elderly person only has to look at me in public and i'll go into a rage at them. if they sit next to me on the bus, or walk too close, i get more and more upset and i'll either totally retreat or just explode at them and tell them awful things that i have no control of.

but even that's not so much an anxiety as a total wish to have my bubble around me which no one can enter. when ever i go out i take my walkman with huge headphones that say "i can't hear you so don't even try to talk to me" and usually a book or something too so i can be "on my own" in the bus.

i've discussed this with the Tdoc and it seems that the elderly thing is a total terror of vulnerability, i don't much like small kids either, because they're also totally vulnerable and it freaks me out. i wouldn't say i'm scared of it, more averse to it. it makes me sick. it's something i will never allow myself to be ever again.

but it's also to do with me having my space around me that no one invades, ever, unless i allow them. my parents can't invade it, although they don't really understand and keep trying, even though i react badly, although my brother can because we've been more like mates than siblings for ages.

i realise i've gone off topic, i'm sorry, i really just wanted to say that it seems that reasons for wanting to be alone differ and vary. i don't feel much in the way of emotion, apart from when i am around people, i am usually thinking "is it nearly over yet? get me out of here etc". also, i have my appointment with the PD network on thursday so i'm trying to think these issues through anyway, and while i'm sorry for going off topic i'm quite glad i've had that little post to get things a bit straighter in my head

edit: one more thing, that i think is a bit weird, i like going out and about and i like doing things, but never with other people. i go to the cinema loads, always alone (well, 19 times out of 20), i go to plays alone, i go to restaurants alone, and i'm perfectly happy sitting there with a book. so i'm not a recluse in the sense of i always stay in, but i kind of am in the sense of i do everything by myself. and actually, i probably only go out once or twice a week.