Thanks for support guys, it means much to me. I'm not in a good place, thinking very bad thoughts, hating my life, my body, all my mess ups and feeling only way out is the easy way out (I don't think it's easy at all to have these thoughts and I hate that people call it that, but that's what they call it). I won't really do it but I hate how much I'm thinking about it. It's my time of month which isn't helping. I have barely left bed in a couple days and have no desire to. Just waiting for these unmentionable thoughts to leave my head. I will start taking the stupid lithium again if I'm not better in a couple days. Dude guy came home early today from Tahoe to spend New Years with me. Has a party for us to go to with a family I really like, they have kids my youngest son likes, so I want to be strong and put on the happy face for my little big guy. I want him to have a happy time tonight. It's 3pm and I'm still in bed, I did get up and shower earlier. I hate this time of year.