I'm glad you found a caring partner who loves you and a surrogate family. I'm glad you are aware that your upbringing was hard, abnormal, unfair. You deserved better. You deserve to get help so you feel better. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

We can't help the family we are born with. If your family is abusive, you develop defense mechanisms that are likely to stick with you until and unless you intentionally change them. Anxiety and hypervigilance are some of those defenses.

If your parents have substance abuse problems and unchecked mental illness, you start to see life as unstable, dangerous, and unpredictable. You can't count on nurturing, support, or honesty. There are no rules that are always true.

As a child, you think that the chaos in your life is somehow your fault or something you can control. You can try to be invisible, try to be perfect, try to make others happy, act out. It won't work. Abuser logic is slippery--they make you feel wrong so they don't have to face their actions.

May I suggest that at some point you look into information about Adult Children of Alcoholics? A lot of what you described applies to my life, and ACOA books really helped me understand what I went through. I hope that you make your recovery and treatment a priority and that you find a therapist who is awesome. Hugs to you!