I want to start off by letting you know that you have done a great job of expressing yourself, giving a good picture of what you seem to be going through.

I can only come up with some ideas from the information you have provided......& I am not a professional & definitely not a qualified person to say if you actually have any disorder or not since I am continually learning about my own problems that I am experiencing at 53 years old.

To start with, I would definitely say that you think from your life experiences & gut feelings that there is something going wrong with you. That is probably a pretty good indication that there is something going on.....especially with suicidal feelings that you say you have been experiencing lately. Hoplessness can definitely turn into suicidal thoughts. I know for me, when I feel there is something wrong & can't figure out how or where to get the help I need.....I have in the past (before I realized better) felt so hopeless that suicide felt like my only solution.

I have to say that in my opinion, there is a problem with taking all the tests like you have taken. There can be so many symptoms that are similar to a disorder but aren't actually that. It can end up making things look much worse than they actually are. In other words, those tests aren't there to diagnose you, only to give you some insight into what MIGHT POSSIBLY, BUT NOT NECESSARILY be what you are dealing with. I have found that the tests can show up alot of things that aren't really the true problem. The purpose of those tests are to help you get some insight & information that you can talk about with a professional who can help sort through & determine better what you are dealing with. They can narrow the symptoms down into a much more accurate diagnoses.

To be honest, without professional help, there is no way to tell what is actually the problem & sometimes, even the professionals aren't able to come up with all the answers but without them, it is impossible

From what you have said, being 17 & going to a community college, in a new, foreign country, is a huge step for anyone & that in itself can make you feel overwhelmed & afraid of what you are going through. When we feel overwhelmed, we can look back at our lives & it can look pretty bad.....otherwise we wouldn't be feeling the way we are now.

Living in a foreign country & not knowing anyone (except your brother).....I know that being shy & feeling that something was wrong with me, I probably wouldn't talk to anyone either. I would probably be afraid that if I said anything, other people would think that something was wrong with me too. As long as I didn't say anything, they wouldn't know if anything was wrong or not.

Not knowing what your highschool experience was that expelled you, that may also be effecting the way you are feeling now. Looking back at that experience may be why you feel that whatever the disorder might be is when it started to show up.

I can only provide some suggestions that I think might be able to provide you with some direction. First & most important......DON'T LISTEN to your brother calling you a "freak of nature". That is no way for him to treat you. He has no right to call you that. If he was a good brother, he should be supporting you & helping you by providing you some direction, not putting you down. He is being destructive & abusive to you. That isn't what you need to be around.

The next step is to swallow your fear (I know that is easier said than done). You need to seek professional help. I went to a community college here in California (30 years ago). They have guidance counsellors you can talk to about what you are dealing with. That is probably the best place to start with......better than talking to your professors yet. Counsellors are people you can talk to about the fact that you are having a hard time understanding some of your work. At that point, it would be the time to bring up some of the mental problems you are feeling. Going into that discussion is a good time of asking if he knows where you might be able to get some professional help with those problems.

The counsellor should be able to point you to a psychiatrist or to a place that can point you to one. A psychiatrist is the best one to diagnose what your problems actually are. They can suggest possible helpful meds & help you find an appropriate therapist/psychologist. I know for me, that once I was finally able to open up (I am shy too), now I have a much better view of what I am going through. Finding that you really AREN'T a freak definitely can help your self-esteem & they can also help you know what is really going on with you, not what might be going on. That can be a great relief.

I know the issue of being shy & not able to open up is a "HUGE" hurdle to have to go over. It is hard....there is no easy way around that. The way I have learned to look at situations like this is kinda like when I've needed a surgery. I remember that fear & when driving to the hospital....all I can think of is turning around & going home & hiding in my bed under my covers. But, I knew that isn't an option if I want to live & get better. It is important to make getting through the shy, a priority. It just has to be done & there is no other option. That doesn't stop the fear or make it better. It's just something we have to live through.

You have taken a good first step here. To realize you have a problem, & to express yourself & ask for some direction to find a way to get help. It's not always easy to know where to go for the help. Hopefully my suggestions or the suggestions of the others here, can point you in the right direction to find the help that will work for you.

Sorry for my long winded response. I hope it can be of some help. Just remember the most important thing is that you are a good person who deserves to live a life that you can feel good about yourself.

There are great people here & I'm sure that they will be able to provide you with even more ideas that might help you find what will work for you.

Take care & welcome to psych Central (PC)......life can be tough, but help is available.
Debbie