Oh yes, I could pretty much put the same things down that have already been written.

I am at the point where I have gotten beyond totally shutting down and avoiding certain people that I could not even be around at all. What is often hard for me is when, for example I am talking with my sister, whom i could not even interact with at all for a while, and I can now observe what always "subconsciously" upset me or how I worked around things in my past that I was not consciously aware of.

I can sit and talk to my sister and listen to her go on and on about "her problems" and I was always good at that. And then when I begin to talk about how "I" am struggling, she makes me instantly remember how "I am not supposed to do that because that is her signal to exit the conversation".

The conscensus has always been, "I want you to listen to me, agree with me, feel sorry for me and take on some of the responsiblity for my pain" BUT "you are not allowed to put "your pain" or "problems" into the conversation because "we do not want to hear your problems".

What is hard for me is that when I do see that happening, I remember that the reason I didn't ask for help or tell about how my brother was hurting me, is that I somehow knew back then that "I would not be heard, and if I tried and was not heard my brother might hurt me even more". But I also felt that if I told that it would upset the family too much and there was already too much trouble for my mother going on and I didn't want things to be even harder for her.

Even with my husband, I either have to stay quiet and try to work through my pain in my thinking. Or, I try to talk about the things that hurt me and he gets depressed and then I feel guilty that I didn't hold onto my pain so he could function better.

So basically I am often challenged with this ongoing feeling that I am supposed to stay quiet and just find a way to "give" without putting myself into the mix of the conversation.

Often the message I have gotten is "everything is fine for us as long as you make sure you don't put any "I"'s in whatever you say.

Sure enough, I can call my sister and she will talk for almost two hours, and if I want to end the conversation, all I have to do is start a sentence with "I".

Open Eyes