Sorry in advance for this long post. I have made a decision which will affect the rest of my life. I want to "write it out". Seeing as how it is New Year's Day, I hope I will be in a better place (out of here) in 2013. And I will definitely be a 58 year old single woman.

His 1st marriage, 17 yrs., 2 children, both grown men now. My 1st marriage, 10 yrs., 1 daughter, 25, now a single parent with 2 children under 4 yrs. old struggling successfully to re-educate and re-invent herself after leaving her spouse of 2 yrs., involving abuse, drugs, etc.

I married him in 1992 when my daughter was 5 years old. He was a professional with 2 degrees who worked in the same type of business for many years and moved vertically "up-the-ladder" in his positions. I had struggled to educate myself after my 1st marriage, and had a good, new career in the medical field (RN). He earned a good salary. So did I. In his 1st marriage his ex-wife was a high school grad, a stay-at-home mom when the kids were young. As the kids grew older she worked part-time at a low-paying job.

After 17 years his wife supposedly left him for another man The boys were teenagers. He kept the home and gave her 1/2 the money and then some. He worked and parented the boys to maintain them in a "stable" environment, same schools, etc. I never read the official divorce papers, (I did know she filed 1st), but he told me, and this information was supported by his friends and family, that the divorce occured because she left to be with another man, she was a "cheater", and she was a "bad mother" for leaving her children.

We met through a mutual friend who said he was a "great, good guy"-They had attended the same HS together and she knew him for many years. He didn't drink, gamble, cheat, or do drugs, etc. He was dependable and financially secure. She suggested she introduce him to me.These sentiments were echoed by other people I met through her who knew him for years. He had been divorced for 2 years, me the same. We dated 12-18 months, we had fun, we loved, I met his one son who was still at home, we married, and I moved into his home.

I worked night shift and raised my daughter, and took care of the home-cooked, cleaned, etc. The younger son did not "approve" of us marrying--(he wanted his father to wait until he finished college to re-marry!) so there was tension in the home but it eventually worked out. He had a pretty good relationship with my daughter as her step-father until she was 9 or 10, then it began to sour.

The older of the 2 sons had already moved out before my arrival to live with his mother and her partner in the home she had financed from the divorce settlement. My husband paid her alimony and child support as determined by the judge. He never missed a payment. As the younger son grew into an older teen-ager, tension increased, (as it does at that age), and there was alot of rebellion against about studying, grades, etc. He argued daily with his son, ranting and raving loudly. So son #2 moved out to be with Mom as well.

Fast forward...His mother has cancer and a stroke. She could not care for herself. She sold her home, he sold his, and we purchased a nice home and made handicapped accomodations for my MIL. Still working full time night shift as an RN, I took care of home and housekeeping, my daughter, my MIL, and him. He was a good provider and hard worker. I would say that was when little by little, things began to change. His criticism of me increased. Name calling creeped into it. He nagged me, he nagged my daughter, he nagged on and on about everything that didn't measure up to his expectations, or was not accomplished on his timetable. We began having more arguments, loud arguments. He screamed, he ranted. I would try to call a time out but he would continue for an hour or so. I was exhausted from work and I did more work at home. I existed on a few hours sleep.

My daughter was dx'd ADD, required intervention and tutoring, etc. and MIL became more and more infirm requiring more of my care.

I "asked him" if "we" could hire a housekeeeper, not full-time, just once a week to help me out with laundry, mopping floors, bathrooms, etc. Not only did he absolutely refuse, he went ballistic, then gave me the silent treatment for weeks. HE then arranged for us to see a counselor through his insurance plan. I suspect he thought she would "take his side" and say I had to manage time better, etc. When we saw her he dominated the session, mostly telling her about what I DIDN'T accomplish according to his timetable, how many faults I had in "time-management", and how I must have ADD like my daughter. When she stopped him after many minutes to let me speak and I told her my version of what was going on, she looked at us and said, "It doesn't seem that there's any major problem here...Why don't you just hire a part-time housekeeper?" I don't know what motivated me, but at that point I stood up, looked at him, said "Thank you" to her, and left. He had drained me over weeks and months with his complaints, his nagging criticism, his demands, his arguments with my daughter, etc. That day I felt I had been validated. Hindsight 20/20 I should have walked out of the marriage then.

My mother became ill with Alzheimer's and required assisited living and then a nursing home, and passed away. His mother passed away. My daughter hated him. Now they argued daily as well. He never spoke in a normal tone of voice to discuss any problem or differences. He was out of control, angry, threatening, intimidating. He told me I was a "bad parent". He urged that I use corporal punishment to "control" her. He had used a strap, etc. on his sons. I refused. I told him if he tried to touch my daughter I would call the police. She for years was witness to our arguments which increased in intensity & frequency. She as well as I remember that "I" was always the one to say "I'm sorry", and he NEVER apologized. He called me names such as "Braindead" and "Stupid" and "Useless". Near the conclusion of every argument he yelled "Call 911! Call 911! Go ahead! Call 911!" This was to be his "concluding" loudly shouted statement after EVERY ARGUMENT now, and all of those which followed for many years. He regularly issued ultimatums to me. He was sarcastic. He "mimiced" me. My daughter urged me to divorce him. Honestly, I did not have the courage and I did not want to risk financial insecurity. I still wanted to work on our marriage and I was seeing a counselor and we attempted marriage counseling but for one reason or another the marriage counseling started out to be consistent, then deteriorated in frequency, and we would agree, after I had been convinced by him, OK, we can work this out ourselves.

I never felt he was "into" the counseling either. Suggestions made by the therapist were never put into action on his part. When we got in the car to drive home he would say something like, "Do you think what she said is going to work?" I would remind him of what we (he, I, the therapist) discussed and agreed to but he would always twist it around and somehow I would end up the bad guy. The disagreements would then continue and again the arguments, and we were back to page one. Even though the college was just a few miles down the road my daughter told me she could no longer tolerate him or living under the same roof with his/her/our arguing so I arranged she live on campus. I understood her point. She was right. He was toxic.

On another note, he never exhibited this type of behavior in public, to his family, friends, etc. To everyone outside of our door he was "such a nice guy", "terrific", "what a great guy", "Boy, he never gets ruffled about anything, he's so CALM." At work he became even more successful, got bonuses, great reviews. He was truly a Jeckyl & Hyde.

I developed severe health problems, physical as well as mental. Open heart surgery, 2 collapsed lungs, anxiety, major depression. I went on SSDI. He was supportive of me with the physical problems. He appeared supportive of the mental diagnosis of depression as well as the drugs I was taking for it. I physically healed, but the arguing continued. I had counseling, we had counseling-AGAIN. It was not successful. I remained depressed. I began to drink heavily and voluntarily chose to join AA and I became sober. I then escalated (slowly, over a period of 6-8 months) into delusional mania and went inpatient for 5 days. I was dx'd BP1.

Meds were tweaked, I saw the P-doc (who had dx'd major depression before tthe manic episode). He did more than med checks, (meaning 45 min. therapy sessions), and I was always compliant with my meds. I did have a brief affair (7 days) with a man at the height of my mania (hypersexuality). I came clean about it, to my husband and Pdoc, and we continued marital counseling then because he insisted on it because of my affair. He said HE needed to HEAL and learn to trust me again. However, though he claimed to have "healed" he would always throw it up in my face, saying he could forgive, but not forget, and I should be happy he was such a "good Christian", because "anyone else would've divorced me". He repeatedly told me "You will never find anyone who treats you as well as I do".

After my BP1 dx, "mania" became his battle cry. I was not manic, my p-doc said so. I was stabilized. All arguing was now due to "my mania", any issue that arose was due to "mania". Whenever I complained about or reacted to his behavior I was accused of being "manic! manic! manic!" He was always "right" and I was always "wrong". More of the same...

The arguing continued usually 3-4x a week and he became more and more controlling emotionally, (under the guise of being part of my BP 'Care Plan'), and abusive. He had always been financially controlling so I didn't have privy to the details. I did know we were not in debt, had considerable assets, and we had a financial planner.

My daughter dropped out of college. Became involved with drugs. After 2 re-habs and many relapses she went to live with her father. She then left that household and married an addict like herself. I maintained a relationship with my daughter, visited her, etc., provided her emotional support (because I did not want any money going to drugs...). Her husband was abusive and continued to do drugs. She left him, took the children got back into and is in recovery to date. When she left her husband of 2 years, (after having 2 childen with him), I began to help her out financially so she could get back on her feet. My husband had big conniptions about this. He put "limits" on the modest amounts of $ I would give her, while at the same time "gifted" his older son with a downpayment ($10,000) on a home, gave each son his SUV's rather than trade them in when he purchased new ones, and lavished one of them financially with money ($ 18,000) to pay off debts when he repeatedly got into credit card trouble.. We argued about these issues, but as he controlled the finances, my input was ignored.

We continued to live a mid-upper class life. Argumentation continued in the same pattern as before, mostly over inconsequential things. He took early retirement. We sold our home, moved, and purchased a beautiful home in a gorgeous neighborhood. I hoped and prayed for change in a new environment. He "micromanaged" everything. He would even "rearrange" my kitchen drawers/cabinets---although he never cooked---and not tell me. Then when I went to cook, everything was in a different place. More arguing. The drawers were "too messy" for him. He didn't like the way the pots and pans were arranged. It didn't "make sense" to have them that way. And more...

He played golf frequently and I would long for him to be gone. I dreaded sex. I had really dreaded it for years. How does one have sex after continual argumentation? It didn't phase him. He wanted it on a "regular" basis. I started not to fulfill those requirements. When we did have sex, he told me I was "dissappointing". He had an orgasm, but he wanted BOTH oral sex AND intercourse. I just couldn't take it anymore. I told him to sleep in another bedroom and he did, but he would then "treat me nicely", we would have sex, argue the next day, then he would treat me "nicely", and so on... with that same pattern.

I got a new Pdoc when we moved and took my meds as usual. I really liked my new pdoc too and felt I had "lucked out". He too did more than med checks. I experienced a 6 month bout of severe depression. Meds were tweaked and I came out of it. I talked to him about my moods, my marriage, it's history, the arguments, everything...

My pdoc had me begin to keep monthly "mood charts" to monitor my BP1. What emerged was a pattern of cycling. I would start out the day normal or above and end up at the bottom daily. Up/down/up/down/up/down. There were some empty boxes on the daily mood chart and pdoc said, everytime you argue, note it with an asterisk. After one month there were at least 2-3 asterisks a day. Some days 4,5,6. I ran out of boxes! Pdoc said "I can tweak your meds continually. I can prescribe everything in the pharmacy, but your BP will never be manageable in what appears to be an unmanageable situation."

My daughter need a car badly, hers was breaking down and the 2 children in carseats added to her stress. She was working at a daycare (kids were there with her), and taking online courses at a local community college to begin work on a degree in Early Childhood Education. I wanted to buy her a car. He said, "Well, that's not going to happen!" I knew we had the money. Rather than spend any of "his" money, he totaled up my meager "assets" and said, if you want to buy her a car use this money (my own money) to buy it!

The mood charts continued. The pattern continued. Pdoc and I began to discuss life in a larger context. Happiness. Wellness. Peace. Life. Self-esteem. Courage to change. I included my husband in 3 sessions. He dominated them. On the last of the 3 he exited the pdocs office first. I remained in the chair and looked at my pdoc and he looked directly at me. Then he put this head down and shook his head no. I made an appointment and he told his assistant to schedule me more frequently. I defriended and blocked my husband on FB. I "friended" his ex-wife. I changed my passwords on other sites. He was livid.

One day in August I snapped. He said, after an argument, "You know what? I liked you better sedated!" ie. drunk or depressed or sedated by medications taken with alcohol before I became sober.

I didn't know where I was going, but I went into the bedroom and calmly began to pack a bag. He sulked in his office. I heard him making calls trying to reach my Pdoc. He left messages that I was manic. He called one of my oldest, dearest friends, (who knew I was BP & had a BP brother), and told her I was manic and I was packing to leave. She listened to him go on, (and I did too as I was packing), and asked her to speak with me. I told her," I'm not manic. I've had enough and I can't take it anymore. I'll talk to you later."

As it so happened, my leaving coincided with the day/time of my regular AA meeting although I hadn't planned my leaving/snap at all, much less to coincide with the meeting. I went there and shared. I broke down. I asked if anyone could take me in for a few days and monitor me so I didn't drink. A woman did, and I was very grateful. Some members gave me money. Even though her phone number was unknown to him he called there 2x asking to speak with me. We were both puzzled about that. Later on I learned he had tracked me by my phone GPS which I didn't even know existed. He used a "reverse look-up' to find her number. He had apparently driven by her home and she had her name on the mailbox.

I moved into a women's shelter with an undisclosed location after 3 days. I saw a divorce attorney for a consultation. The women's shelter was awful. The attorney told me to move to a hotel and I did. I paid cash. I received a call in my room from him the next day. He had tracked me again by the GPS even though at the women's shelter they told me it was "off". He cryed, promised to change, convinced me to come home. I did. When I checked out he took me to a marvelous place for dinner and told me he loved me. He was very kind and understanding. When we arrived home and I went to pick up a few things at the store I returned and my key didn't work. He had changed the locks on the doors while I was away with my friend and at the shelter...

I asked him to please give me some space and move in with his son, (who has the home he gifted the downpayment on), for a month or so. He refused. I began to bargain. Please go for 3 weeks, 2 weeks, 1 week, 3 days---I pleaded and begged. NO, no, and no! He told ME to move in with HIS SON if I wanted space! He made it clear he was going nowhere.

I stayed home for about 3 more weeks and went back to the attorney. I discovered journals he had kept with records of all of my phone calls which he obtained from the phone company. He wrote about me daily. "She refuses to give me sex and still hasn't straightened out the back bedroom." "She is sitting on the sofa @ 12:15am watching Letterman. She is laughing. She is manic. She is eating a donut and milk and she is not at the kitchen table where she knows she should eat." My attorney subpeoned our financial advisor for records after he (the advisor) would not willingly provide them. Of course he found out about the subpeona and went WILD! The ultimatums, intimidations, threats, everything came out in this argument and as always he taunted me, "Go ahead! Call 911! CALL 911!" he shouted. So I did.

Then I did what I had to do. He was removed from our home handcuffed by the police. He spent a night in jail. He moved in with his son. I filed for divorce, he got an attorney and filed. I remain in the home, he pays the mortgage, and I go back to court in a few weeks for increased temporary support $ and request for full award of my attorney and accountant fees thus far. As stated in my attorney's brief, he retains sole control of all money and assets, and I exist on $ 1,100 SSDI.

The home will be sold, another "vacation" property we have will be sold, and after this marriage of 20 years I am following the advice of my attorney who predicts, (based on her experience and information she has gathered so far), the alimony and assets will not put me in a desparate financial situation (which he would LOVE to do). He is a person who seeks revenge. An angry, psychologically sick individual walking around unmedicated and without a diagnosis. He will now seek to "punish" me. My attorney of couse has seen this before. She is aware of his "tracking" of me. He also is repeating behavior he's exhibited before (see my PS below)...

PS-His wife has shared much with me via PM on FB. Of course the divorce is now public and family members talk... Without my revealing anything to her she described what she endured for 17 years. Nothing has changed in his behavior. She hung in to raise the children to adolescence, then she left to save her own sanity and found happiness with another man. She was mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused 17 years. This was stated in the original divorce papers she filed. She shared that when she heard he was remarrying (me) she wished there had been some way to warn or tell me her story before I married him. She said she didn't know how I endured it for 20 years.

There was a restraining order after he was removed from the home. My attorney filed criminal charges against him, but they were dropped. My attorney said that was not unusual. There is now a no contact order in place and he is ordered by the court to stay X amount of feet away from me and not enter the neighborhood, harass, etc. He has not.

We go to court in a few weeks petitioning for more $ for me, and that he pay all attorney and accountant fees so far. I did come up with retainers for both via 2 credit cards in my name.

I believe this will be a long, acrimonius process. It will also be expensive. She advises I will most likely be awarded all attorney fees, permanent alimony, 1/2 of his pension, annuities, 401K's, IRA's, etc. This is based on the laws of this state and the length of the marriage. It is standard procedure. We will attempt negotiation/mediation to begin with, but I seriously doubt it will be successful. How can I after this marriage? I asked her if I would have to sit in the same room with him and she said at some point, yes.

He has already taken me to court over a trivial matter, (claims I "stole" his golf clubs-I didn't). His attorney requested to "cross examine me" and the judge allowed him to ask me 2 questions after I took the oath. I answered them. His attorney continued, and the Judge said "ENOUGH!" He admonished his attorney and my husband for bringing such "frivolous matters" to the Court and dismissed the case. His attorney BTW, is a fat version of him. Loud, intimidating, nasty. My attorney of course knows him, but she also knows the Judge and they have a good relationship---this per her legal assistant...Also, in this state, the Judge originally assigned remains the Judge throughout the procedings. So this will be the judge who decides the other matters as they occur. It was different in my home state. Always a Judge crapshoot who had to interpret what the previous Judge decided...

I'm at the beginning of a new journey. I am afraid, nervous, anxious, and confused. But he is gone and I do not want him near me ever again. I believe the feeling is mutual. My environment is peaceful. I do what I want to do when I choose to do it. I am relaxed.

My pdoc moved on to accept an important university position. I will have a new pdoc as well as additional counseling. Some new meds ( anti-anxiety) have been rx'd by my primary and I really need them now until I get set up with new pdoc etc. I am not manic. In fact, I go out once a week to a nice club (I don't drink) to listen to live music and have made a few (platonic) friends. I feel healthier and even good sometimes except for all the legal paperwork. My attorney knows this and has arranged for someone she knows from a Women's Resource center to help me with it.

So that's it. 20 years.

I think often of something my p-doc said to me toward the end of our sessions when he knew I had my husband removed and had filed for divorce. I remember every word. He said, "Life is a short walk on earth. It is not meant to be endured. There are challenges for sure, but they are there to teach, not destroy. Life is meant to be fulfilling and enjoyed. You deserve love. You are meant to love and receive it in return. No one can live your life. You make the the choices. It takes courage and strength to change but it's rewarding. I suggest you think about that. I assure you it's very important. I will always be your advocate and I want you to be well."

I believe I shall always remember what he said. And I will seek to achieve the wellness and love. I believe they must be waiting for me.