Hi Purple Heart,

Thanks for posting those two links.

You don't have to forgive your mother or your sisters right away or at all -- it's your choice. In fact, for me, I have a hard time with the word 'forgive'. It's a long story to explain how I came by this expression, but this is what I say to myself: "I cannot forgive them; only God can forgive them." A lot of people may take issue with that way of looking at forgiveness, but for me it's helped immensely. Maybe it's an issue of semantics, but over time I have been able to let go and not feel so emotionally involved and hurt, but it's not up to me to forgive them. There's something about that particular word -- it's too wrapped up in actually condoning what happened. I cannot separate forgiving from condoning, and so for me forgiving would be to 'let go' of allowing it bother me.

It's a long process to work through this. There are ups and downs to it, and it's not easy. Some people do well in counseling -- I've had a hard time finding any one (any counselor) who has an understanding of the extreme conditions I endured, and when a counselor cannot fathom what you've been through and does not have the depth of understanding (or education) to accept what you are saying, this is where counseling can end up being a destructive experience for the client because they (the counselors) minimize what you are saying and try to shut you down. If you live in a bigger city you are more likely to find a counselor who is competent.

It's highly unlikely that your mother will ever say "I'm sorry," and your sisters sound like they are too enmeshed to be able to see the situation for what it was and the roles they played, so it's unlikely that any of them are going to say "I'm sorry" any time soon. You're more likely to have one of your sisters say they are sorry later on in life than you are for your mother to say she's sorry. Remember your sisters were part of the crazy making milieu, and it affected them, too. They may eventually realize the role they were made to play, but it could be awhile. It all depends on how much insight they have and how damaged they may have become. They may have been too entrenched in the craziness to ever emerge from it.

So, yes, what you went through was 'crazy making.' Bad and crazy making parenting can put you into a tail spin for life, but there are ways to slow (and perhaps even stop) the spinning, and there are ways to turn the tables on your experiences and make them work for you by becoming a person of depth and understanding -- these are just examples that come to mind.

No further contact with your family is a totally understandable way to deal with the situation right now. You have to protect yourself and sometimes distance is the only way to do it. Don't expect your family to understand because, like I said, the craziness is too entrenched.