Thank you all. Yes, I know getting out helps, it is that moment between not doing and doing that traps---Had therapy long term, cannot afford right now; my vehicle died so I walk to work (months now) and am glad for that walk---tomorrow I will take the late bus north to give the "kids" a date night, spend time with the grandson and be there for the (great)grandmother..."Date Night" is a gift I gave for the holiday & it is to go all year--it is good for everyone. So, one small good thing. New Year, I walked downtown after work (I get out at 11pm) and had a tequila sunrise sitting alone in the dark corner of a familiar bar/restaurant, gazing out the window, watching the ball drop on tv, and then walked to a friend, we sat a while, I walked home. Stayed up most of the night...
Been on the couch pretty much since. I should go hike the nearby trails tonight and wait for the meteor shower...I don't feel as lonely in the woods.
There is still the transition from here to the door. This bout of depression is more painful sadness, pushed deeper by dreams and thoughts of past regrets---i was married 20yr, divorced as long, my ex drove us to see our son at christmas----we don't have an active friendship but have done okay.
I have a decent job, but got myself into a hole trying to help someone else---and still can't figure out how i let it get so bad, and why it was so hard to let go, I don't usually get myself in so deep for someone who is unable to give and take....that relationship is probably what has tossed me into this place.
To the store for cat food! Thank goodness for my old cats, they, at least, Must be fed! Thank you all and hugs all around. The advice is good, and a good reminder.
I joined this site because I cannot afford therapy right now---and therapy has mixed results---