I have been married before (17 years, adopted a child with major behavioral issues and fostered several); he has been married twice - once to a woman who intentionally defied her dr's advise and ended up deliverying a 5 month old premie that died in his arms and then 12 years to a woman who cheated and controlled (he had 3 boys - now 9,12 and 15).

We have been together for 2 1/2 years, engaged for 1, slated to marry in October 2012, but, I postponed due to personal reasons. We are slated to marry again this October.

Over the long holiday (he took a 12 day vacation to be with his kids), he advise me that I as nit picking his kids in a way that made him unhappy. The kids have been here (yes he moved into my home of 20 years) for 10 days...I work from home and elected not to take but 1 extra day off with them (because I didn't want to waste my vacation just to stay at home, where I am all the time, and cook and clean up after everyone). So I worked and he spent his time playing alot of games with the kids.

the 9 and 12 year old fight constantly (not just pickering, but, scratching, biting and hitting, kicking), I asked the 9 and 12 year old to get me their dirty clothes so I could wash them (as they were strewn all over the bedroom amidst toys and everything else 1 foot deep), I asked them to pick up their used tissues and bloody tissues (from a lost tooth) and just basically asked them to clean up after themselves. He always does everything for them - washes all the dishes, gets them all breakfast, cleans up after them. He asked me not to discipling them (which I wouldn't do) and let him know what needed to be corrected, but, when I do it falls on deaf ears for he gets defensive.

Help - I don't know what I am doing wrong...all I ask from his kids is for respect - respect of me, my home and my pets - they do not have to love me. I feel what I am asking them is not hurting them or leaving lasting emotional scars....just being respectfully of what they leave around. When the 9 and 12 year old are fighting, I advise him (mostly because he doesn't know they are) but he gets defensive. His 9 year old still wets the bed and when his two older brothers told him he smelled of urine, I asked the 9 year old to change for good hygiene (even though my fiancee heard the other boys).

Am I missing something? I don't want to marry him if we can't get past this...I don't want to be their mom, just their friend, but I feel like I should be able to say something as an adult when the kids are not appropriate. I'm 45...so I'm not new to this relationship stuff but this has be stumped.