.... don't bother reading this .... it is sick.

... i don't know why i'm even doing this, admitting this ...

these sort of bad thoughts, they are bad enough in the first place. and then the anger i have at myself for even having them it worse. like i should be able to control my mind and not have negative thoughts. i should be able to control my thoughts better than this. but sometimes i just can't.

here goes... i am right now jealous of people who have had successful sui's. like my grandmother, by train, pretty sure fire way to get it done. i am jealous of people who don't have to be alive right now.

sorry it's so sick. maybe this is just the real morbid me that i hide and pretend i'm a happy person.

this is the time of year she did it. this is close to the anniversary of my dad's death too. i'm not well, going back to bed to cry these mean thoughts away. these thoughts are mean, they hurt me, they don't mean well.

i got a few hours of work done this morning, and the crucial month end accounting done. and i did billing for my bf's business. but that's all i can do today. also supposed to process payroll today, i can't deal with it. will just call it in late tomorrow. oh gawd and i forgot to pay the health insurance bill, great timing.

not hurting myself will be my job for the rest of the day. i will not hurt myself, i promise you. it just feels a little better to at least admit these thoughts to someone, somewhere, if anyone is listening. i hate myself for these thoughts.