Alright, to make a long story short, I went to a T today, talked about an hour in a loose question/answer session and allowed to add, stray whenever I felt the need to. The diagnosis: PTSD and BPD. The PTSD is a bit of a surprise but not. I knew my childhood and young adult issues lead to this; just never really looked at it as a separate issue. Hey, if you want to discect BPD, we have that, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, the list goes on.

It appears to be largely situational. If I live a boring life, am by myself, don't attempt to make friends, have a steady income with no major things to rock the boat, and stay healthy, I can cope on my own 90% of the time and no one is the wiser. When those things happen, particularly the relationship one, I fall apart and it takes me a loooong time before I get back to the "coping" part. I guess that's true for a lot of us, through, particularily those of us "older" folks who are past the hormone stage.

Haven't decided my next step yet. Lack of money is not going to let me see a T more than once a month or so right now. Looking for a DBT class or something related to meditation I can get involved in. I doubt I'm going to be able to get the support I need from home despite this, but I'm thinking of confiding in my mother-in-law. If anyone would get it at all, it would be her and I've seen a few traits here and there in her. She easily gets caught up in her own emotions and memories and it very quick to anger...she may get it at least some. Worth a try.

Thanks for your support. It's meant a lot. Now I just need to figure out what my next step is going to be.