For those of you who were worried. I'm still here.

Went to the hospital again, this time for cathetar pain. I wanted them to take it out. I begged them to take it out. (Why won't they listen?! I tried) Spent time in emerg, singing and with the blankets over my head, trying to shut everything out.

It didn't work. Violated again...I hate this.

My shrink won't listen. The doctors won't listen. My shrink is too scared of making my life more miserable to raise my med levels. What could it hurt?! I'm miserable now and flirting with f*cking suicide. How long does he want this to continue?

The pain has destroyed my life. I am effectivly housebound now and even typing this is causing agony. Taking to bed is my only relief at this point.

I've written to Father Lindsay and Doug openly asking for help. I feel like dirt, but I have no options. Those two aren't scared to help me.

When will this stop?!

G*d it hurts. G@d it hurts God it hurts.