I know it is PTSD. I just feel so crummy. Another tearful day. I am so tired, so exausted, I just want to lay down and cry. I want to sleep, I want to just set and dissociate. It is so much less painful that way.

When it is almost time for my H to come home I start thinking "Please don't come home, pleas call and say you will be late, please be so tired you'll just go to sleep so I don't have to deal w/ you". I don't know if it is truely that we are not getting along all that well at the moment or if it is PTSD pushing me to my limits.

I had T today. I had T last week and blamed being teary on hormones. This week that is not the case. It was most likely not the case last week either. The T simply stated "You don't seem to be doing so good right now" and "You look and sound like you are done" (W/ your H) I am, I think. I don't know. I don't want to let PTSD rule and lead me to do something foolish. But on the other hand is what I'm dealing w/ the reality. I know my H and I go threw very rough patches. Things have been good for a little while but now they are not so good again.

I just want to cry. I want to scream, I want to melt, I want to yell and yell and yell. I want to cry, I want to I DON"T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO. I want to know what I really want to do. How about that?

I have a feeling it is a good thing I took a nap because I sure ain't gonna be sleeping tonight. I need to talk to people and feel a connection. I need to be heard and understood. This is the safest place to do that. People know what I am going threw here. Others w/ PTSD understand and that is what I really need is understanding.

When I went to T today I think I could have just sat and slowly cried all session. We finially started getting somewhere and my hour was up. I took 10 min of the other clients time. I jsut could not seem to pull myself together. The T just told me to call if I needed her. I know she is very booked and can't squeeze in extra sessions, nor can I afford them. So I'm stuck alone. My only out let is you guys here. I am so sorry all I ever do is complain, and whine, and dump my stuff. I sorry I need constant support. But coming here is the only thing I have learned to do. Please forgive me. Good Night.