(((Big Mama))),

Sounds like you had a bad day hun, I have had them too, so it isn't just you. Remember that with PTSD it is normal to have bad days like this for a while, and all that you said about just not wanting to deal with your H, that is normal to how someone struggling with PTSD can feel at times. With PTSD there will be times where you will feel weary from the lack of control you have emotionally. If you have one of those weepy days, its ok, your emotions are coming forward now to slowly be sorted through. Surprisingly a lot of these emotions are in our subconscious surpressed and eventually they just come forward.

As you keep working on this, talking about it, allowing yourself to mourn whatever comes forward you will slowly feel some "release".

Big Mama, the challenging part about PTSD is that we are used to taking in external information and forming solutions from what we have storred in our subconscious minds. We often formulate ideas long before we even "consciously" realize it.

When someone has PTSD, they begin to have to process pockets of emotions and unresolved experiences from past tramas. It is harder because we are used to problemsolving in the reverse as I described above. Well, when we are working out trama that was storred in our subconscious, it takes more time because we often don't have the right "resolve or response" to tap onto in our subconsious mind.
And that is why we get tired and confused and want to isolate or do not want to deal with normal incoming things/interactions to process.

One thing most people who struggle with PTSD say is, "I wish I could be like I used to and have my old ways of "just" dealing. What we are saying is that "we wish we could just take in information or exchanges and tap onto our bank of subconscious answers that we used to do without so much conscious thought.

Big Mama, it takes time and "patience" to slowly address each of these old emotional challenges/memories that you never had any resolve storred in your subconscious to process. In other words, you had challenges that you had no app to resolve in your subconscious mind. And our brains are designed to push that aside and do our best to keep going. We are all designed to "survive" and "thrive" as human beings so when we are put in a situation that is tramatic or we don't have answers to, our brain finds a way to put it aside and work around it.

What you are doing now is as these pockets of troubling experiences/ challenges are coming forward, you still don't quite know what to do about them. And so you need to finally put words to what comes forward, get it out in the open so that you can finally develope ways to learn how to finally process it.

If you were to spend time and research how people with PTSD write, you will begin to notice that they leave out words or may not express a complete summary of how they are struggling. And when someone is writing while triggered, there will be more missing words or thought patterns in their communications. That is because when they are triggered they are dealing with these old "tramatic and emotional challenges" that were never storred with "language".

What my therapist has explained to me is that we have areas in our brains that store emotions and pictures that doesn't have any words or language there too. So when someone is experiencing storred emotions and pictures of a trama, these experiences come forward at first "without" any language.

The other day you were talking about how your husband touched you and you suddenly said, don't touch me before you could "consciously" have a warning that you were going to respond. Well, what happened is you first got triggered to a memory with the anger emotion, even a picture and it came forward so quickly that the words came out that "best matched" whatever the deep trigger was.

What I talk about alot is how with PTSD, what can happen is "sudden unexpected" outbursts. And unfortunately, the only time we can address them is "after" they happen. It is really strange because all of a sudden a trigger can happen and set into motion some kind of driving force of expression. I have experienced this quite a few times myself and I have also seen others in PC do it. And after it happens there is always a sense of emotional failure or a sense of feeling very disappointed and even ashamed of "self".

I have had it happen a few times here at PC, and once I was able to calm down and revisit the "trigger response" I was so embarassed that I wanted to run, leave PC and considered myself "unworthy". And there have been times when I have seen other members either "leave" or "leave and come back with a new identity".

As hard as it was for me Big Mama, I kept who I was at PC and tried my best to either appologize or even vent to a few members who understood. I was lucky because there were times where I was able to have someone there to quietly recognize my challenge and validate me as well as encourage me to "keep trying".

I think about PTSD as though it is almost like Teretts syndrome because there are times when the brain just reacts without "conscious control". And most people "who do not have it" simply do not understand that about PTSD, and they can be very critical and even "punishing" in how they respond.

It has been recognized that people who struggle with PTSD are often much more at ease when they interact with others who also struggle with PTSD. Well, that is because it is so hard to get others to understand how challenging it can be to struggle with PTSD, and it seems that no words can possibly explain it to others who don't struggle with it themselves. I am constantly trying to explain it, constantly. I am not just doing it for others, but also for myself.

(((Big Mama))), you have PTSD, and that means that you are going to have to be very patient with yourself. Yes, you are going to have these days where you cry and feel very lost in yourself. Understand that you just have to allow yourself to slowly address all these things that are surfacing from your subconscious mind. And there will be times when you will feel like a failure and are very alone with it. But these days will all slowly get "resolved" with time. I talked about a good book to read "Trama and Recovery" by Judith Herman I think it is, see if you can get that book.

Healing from PTSD, comes in "stages" and it takes time. You "will" keep gaining as you slowly deal with your inner challenges that you never resolved. You are not as "alone" as you feel. You can always come to PC and write things out. It doesn't matter what it is either, or how long it takes you to put what you need to into words.
So far what you have been discribing as your challenges are actually "normal" to the struggle with PTSD. It will be ok, you are going to keep moving slowly forward. Understand that PTSD healing is up and down, and not just a steady climb. But, you will slowly gain on it. ALWAYS make sure you reserve a big part of yourself that remains "kind and patient and understanding of self" as you are working through this PTSD. Each day is a new day, some days are better than others, and when you have a bad day, do lots of self care, it is ok to take time outs and slow down. You should not allow yourself to "feel guilty" either. That always comes with the PTSD challenge, so you have to make sure you "love self no matter what". You "will" make some gains, it is "not" your fault either. There will be those days where you will feel disappointed in yourself, like you will never be understood or will be able to regain a balance to yourself. These are "normal" responses to PTSD and "will" slowly ease up as you keep working through it. Even though you will have those days where you feel like you are somehow falling apart, you are in fact, finally working on "putting yourself together".

(((((Big Supportive Hugs))))
Open Eyes