Sorry for the long post. I'm really nervous about sharing all this because I haven't been open about my thoughts or feelings to anyone in years.

I've been feeling depressed recently. Started around Christmas and has just gotten progressively worse. I called out of work yesterday because I just couldn't leave the house. I almost did the same thing today. But I forced myself out. I haven't been exercising, which is something I enjoy. I'm starting to think paranoid thoughts, like people are talking about me. I'm avoiding places, like the grocery store and the bank, because I think the people that work there hate me or that I've done something to make them mad. I know, it doesn't make any sense, but it's how I feel.

I've also had some small breaks with reality. Like at one point, I thought I was a serial killer and I had killed prostitutes. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. I was also a bit drunk and staying up very late. And I used to like to watch TV shows about serial killers and such. Morbid curiosity.

So I don't know if I should call my doctor. Part of me says, yes, because these things are not normal. Part of me says, this will pass. It's only been, like a week, which isn't a long time. Then the other part says, this is just the start of a downward spiral. Then I go back and say, I've just had my schedule knocked around because of the holidays and being off work. Once I get my schedule back in order, I'll be fine. I love schedules. My BPD works much better when I have a daily and weekly schedule. And I go back and forth.

I'm not suicidal nor do I want to self injure. It may be my fear of starting school next week. It could be that I'm not taking my meds regularly because I can't afford them. I just don't know what to do. Should I ride it out? Call my doctor? I feel like I'm bothering him every time I call. Advice?