Thank you. I'm still here. There are a few reasons I stay. Kids friends family. But also this burden like I can't do what my grandma did. It was before I was born I wonder if I'm her. I wonder if its up to me to break the cycle in my family. She actually wrote letters of apology and left chunks of money to my older siblings who I only found out about a few years ago, never knew I was the youngest of 8 until then. Now my daddy is passed and I can't even ask him about it.

Felt a lot better last night but then horrible sleep with son making noise all night. First thing I do upon waking is cry. I am going to have to cancel an important business trip and also decide to make my son a ward of the state. It feels like my son has died trying to make this decision, like I'm helpless to save his life. Worst pain in the world. Took my frustration out on my daughter and told her to move out too cuz she won't go to school or work or even apply for bp disability. I'm just a full stew of mean-ness and I need to quit it somehow.

Pdoc would say my message is true but the delivery is off. I should probably apologize to daughter and let her come home and help her apply for her disability or something.

I'll try to choose a path Anika. I know you're all right and this stupid symptom will pass. Probably starting with any path away from that train track. If I can persevere long enough I will see a solution.

Maybe I should do what I read in the Tao of Parenting. Be the calm at the center of their hurricane. Tall order for someone who is a hurricane herself. I'm not sure.