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I can manage to get myself in so much trouble w/ this. The words just fall out. This to has happened in T. I throw my hands up over my mouth and think OMG I so did not mean to say that that way. Usually it is the very raw honest truth. I once thanked my H for building me such a nice prison. I was talking about our new house and how I was a slave to it and had to stay here all the time. He held over my head the fact that he built us a new house and I thanked him for building me such a nice prison. Yikes that was not a good conversation but it was the most blunt thing I was thinking and it jsut fell out. I do manage to get myself in to trouble from time to time.
Well, Big Mama, you have kept alot of challenges under an emotional wrap and "within" yourself for a very long time. While you had your horse to talk to, which was good for you, he didn't talk back to you and validate you and give you ways to "find some resolve".
Well, when PTSD is present, some of these "surpressed" feelings will just pop out, you shoved too many things in the closet and the door is now open with these things now pouring out.
If I were to draw a picture of myself and PTSD, I would draw a picture of me kneeling on the floor with all these strange puzzle pieces that I am trying to finally put together somehow. It is much like a huge jig saw puzzle and sometimes all I can do is see the puzzle piece and not know how to fit it into the healing puzzle properly. Sometimes I deal with too many pieces at one time too and I just get very stressed out, upset and overwhelmed, even angry, sometimes "very angry".
I was thinking about it again today and sometimes it can be so consuming, I find myself so absorbed in it that I lose track of time and "anything" that disturbes me, rattles me. I can't seem to explain to my family how hard I am trying to put myself back together somehow. I know that my husband "misses" the old me, and the old me isn't really there now and I miss that too. Yet, I can see that the "old me" developed ways to work around the pain where I was often misunderstood too. Not all that is there is bad either, so there is some sorting I have to do as well.
I find myself wishing my husband could understand how much hard work it is to work though it every day.
You have to do your best when these "pop up comments come out of you". Yup, it is like that old toy that if you wind it up enough, then "pop goes the weazel".
Open Eyes
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