Dear T,

I thought I was over that awful last session before Christmas where you went all Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde on me...with the finger pointing and the yelling and the wanting to talk about THAT topic all of a sudden. Yelling. Never in our years together had you raised your voice and shook your finger at me. And then suddenly not being ok with silence when it has always been fine. How could I speak? How could I not be triggered with you yelling and shaking your hand in my face? I thought it was a huge accomplishment not to run from the room.

And then it just got worse. You accused me of thinking about "the topic" and then said I was not allowed to talk about it if I was. You forbade it! WTF? And then you were asking questions that seemed to be leading to that...was it a trick? Was I suppose to talk or not talk? I panicked. I was just trying not to puke. I was pretty sure you were a pod-person because it's so unreal that you would ever, ever, ever say NOT to talk about anything.

But, I got through. I survived the session from hell. I showed up for the next session and you seemed back to normal. And then I kept coming and I thought we were back on track. So, why did I quit today?

It's not a good time for me to quit. My family is falling apart. You know this and you know I have no support there. I don't have any friends. Over the holiday, I realized that - even after these years of trying - I haven't managed to build a working relationship with you either. If I had the energy, I'd shake my finger in my own face and yell at me for that, but I'm too bummed out to care. Once, you said "Sometimes, it hurts too much to care." I wish I didn't remember that.
I know none of this matters to you.