Something that I have been thinking about is whether or not there is anything left that can be done about me, i.e., if I have reached a point where I cannot improve anymore. Whenever I use PC or see my T, and let me say that I have been in counseling for one reason or another for almost half my life, it appears as though I encounter the same difficulty with communicating how I feel and understanding what others are telling me.

Examples of conversations that I have…

People: You shouldn’t compare yourself to others; there will always be someone better.
Me: But if there will always be someone better than what value do I have?
People: You’re honest, kind, and loving!
Me: But if I was honest, kind, loving, and still further accomplished in another field, wouldn’t that make me more valuable?
People: You can’t measure people’s value like that.
Me: Then how does one develop a positive self-esteem without having an understanding of their value?

Me: I am unlovable.
People: No you are not. You just haven’t found the right person.
Me: Who’s to say there is a ‘right person’? Moreover, who is to say I will ever find the ‘right person’?

We seem to have difficulties understanding each other, which, I think, might be a consequence of different methods of interpreting the world. Naturally, I question and dissect everything, because I don’t know any other way to understand a subject - how can I know if something is accurate or not if I am unable to analyze the substance beneath it? If I don’t analyze the substance supporting a statement or belief, i.e., if I am to trust it or unconditionally accept it as it is, then how do I know if it is accurate or not? (It should come as no surprise that Philosophy was one of my better subjects in school.)

Take a statement like, “I will find love one day.” As much as I would like to believe that is true, how do I know if I will find love in the future? If I can’t determine the accuracy of a statement, or in this case the probability of finding love in the future, then to me I am repeating a blank statement to myself with no real meaning to it. Consequently, saying it to myself does not make it true, and it does not make me feel better about who I am.

A second issue I have is that I am unable to feel positive about myself. Whenever I am talking to my T or others, I am told that something I have done I should feel proud about, such as having articles published in a national newspaper, or having a photo come in 2nd place in a competition, but I don’t. Even when I have met my own standards for myself, like having achieved a 102% on a final math exam once, I still don’t feel good. All of it goes in one ear and out the other with no affect on how I feel that day or about myself.

Which brings me to my initial question: is there anything else that can be done about me, or have a reached a point where I can’t mentally and emotionally improve anymore? I don’t know what I can do to feel better about who I am or if I ever will feel good about who I am.