3 years ago my boyfriend long time and I broke up. We had our ups and downs through out our relationship but I honestly never seen a break up coming. See the thing is this boyfriend was my best friend for years before we dated. I have seen him go through some major ups and down throughout life and always stayed by his side. When we starting dating things were crazy. We were both into drugs pretty bad and lived the life of partying 24/7. We went through struggles of numerous DUI's, serious fighting, and problems with trust. ( I had non for him because of past mistakes he had made) In July of 08 I found out that I was pregnant. We were SO happy. I quit the crazy lifestyle and began preparing to be a mother. He on the other hand quit the drugs but his drinking never stopped. It caused lots of fights but he kept reassuring me that he was just getting it all out of his system before the baby came. Well in Sept of that year I lost the baby. I was devastated! He on the other hand didn't seem nearly as sad as me. From knowing him for so long I chalked it up to him not being able to express his feelings. (he grew up in a family that doesn't talk about problems) I had a hard time getting back into the routine of life and eventually that lead us to split up for awhile. After a few months of talking and working on things we ended up getting back together and getting sober together. Life was good, the best it had been in years. We stayed sober for a year, but when life through my bf a curve ball he went right back to the bottle. We had so many problems in the past due to alcohol that I didn't want him to drink period. I got mad, shut down and it eventually lead to the break up 3 years ago. This is where is gets really complicating. Although we have been broken up for 3 years out of that time we have only spent about 9 months, not consecutive, apart. We still hung out all the time, with nothing changing in our relationship except the title. Problem is that it seems like every time we are close to getting back together he pulls away. I got sick of dealing with the on and off again stuff and told him back in October that whatever relationship he wants with me is going to be all up to him. As I said before he isn't the kind of guy to come crying and tell you what he feels. He bottles everything up and continues with life as it never happened. I miss him terribly every day and no matter what I do I can't seem to get him off my mind. It's so confusing to me that two people can love each other so much, go through all the things that we have gone through for him to just throw it away like it's nothing. I could call him today and he would answer and be there for anything that I need but if I ask anything about our relationship he just clams up. I wonder if I am doing the right thing by giving him his space but I am terribly afraid to lose him forever. Although sometime I feel like I'm beating a dead horse, I would do anything to work things. Should I continue to give him space and be his friend when he needs one or should I just let it all go and get on with my life? I'm afraid that if I make the decision to move on, then I am making the decision to not be with him anymore and in all honesty that's not what I want. I want answers that I don't know how to get and I just want to be happy. Crying for 3 years, almost everyday, has put a major damper on my life. I don't go out, I don't see my friends, I just recluse and over think everything; which in turn usually makes me feel worse.One of my favorite quotes is "sometime we have to stop analyzing the past-stop planning the future-stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel-stop deciding with our minds what we want our hearts to feel. Sometime you just have to go with whatever happens happens." My biggest struggle is "it is what it is," I hate that saying and I hate not feeling in control. I am normally a very strong, independent woman but when it comes to this I am weak. I also am really good at giving advice but really bad at taking my own....please help!