Hi Kayannarose,
from what I'm reading your man has failed to use a process of consultation "announced he's decided to take me". The weekend away or any other activity involving more than himself, need not be the source of disagreement if he offers it for discussion. You are then free to put your thoughts as concerns to be dealt with rather than him seeing you as the wet blanket who declined a romantic weekend. Approach can be everything. In your response it is important too, perhaps you can express to him you would love to go if he can find suitable babysitting for the children and his mother. If you are the primary carer then you are used to estimating a situation and drawing the line in the sand. My 14yrold comes to me with ridiculous requests, I am saying no and she says I knew you wouldn't let me. So why ask? What I am saying is some people refuse to act responsibly because they can use someone else and then complain about that. "See, you always say no to everything". Damned before you start!!! Hubby doesn't seem to have thought out the pros and cons first ...that's your problem Mum!!

Getting away may well be good for both of you so perhaps you could suggest you will arrange for the kids to have sleepovers and HE can negotiate with your inlaws to take Nana for next or any weekend, that will work out for them.

Hubby wont just start being responsible, he will need coaching to gain such skills. After separating my husband called to say he was dropping the kids back because they were not being well behaved. I took them, got my niece to babysit and went round to him for a chat. I drew to his attention that while he has the kids he is responsible for their discipline and he should not make me his fall back as he had in the marriage ...ask Mum etc. His skills have come a long way in the past few years coz he's had to and I am better at not letting him defer to me. I think Penna said people do this to us coz we let them. That is so true. I am responsible for my own circumstance, I let people treat me in ways that I find unacceptable and it is up to me to change it by not being a bunny.

You may find as you grow in personal strength and refuse to be railroaded some people will respond and others won't. A girlfriend had similar issues and her husband got on the train before it left, my husband did not. I rang the bell and rang the bell some more. In the end I had to make a decision about what I wanted and a fourth child was not it. My husband interprets conflict as hostility and avoided it. I am meant to play "happy families". Very difficult to progress.

Kayannarose, for you it comes down to what you want. My girlfriend and I both wanted our marriages to work and we employed similar approaches in trying to communicate with our men, it worked for her and it didn't for me. Leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done, my decision affected all of us hugely and I agonised over it and still feel guilty but that is because I feel RESPONSIBLE. And that is how I let him be irresponsible. ROFL. Laugh or cry!!!

You loved him enough to marry him, give it your best shot. Keep in check your own attitude because we develop indifference to protect our own feelings and that puts more distance and doubt such as your interpretation of his love. Ask your therapist for strategies and use them. It's a slow and considerable process either way, after all it got there slowly in the first place, didn't it? Much like putting on weight slowly but wanting a diet to move it all in a month!!! Please yes!!!!

Regards Frances.
Not eating right, sleeping ok and haven't been swimming.