I was just having a serious crisis; reading this thread and responding took me down a lot! So nice to connect. Hope it's helpful for others, too. I think I will make a separate post about the issue I had today so I don't get off-topic!

IATE, sounds like you really are between a rock and a hard place. If you move home, you can perform in bands and make money, but you would need to hide your identity for safety. If you don't move home, there is no guarantee that you can find steady work, but you would have more freedom in your personal life. I'm sorry you come from such a hateful community; it's understandable that you have conflicts about your own feelings now.

Do you think that if you were able to move to a more accepting community you might also find a more vibrant artistic community? Hate to over-generalize, but the sort of communities with rampant homophobia are not usually centers of artistic expression! If you didn't move home and managed to make a living somehow, couldn't you have your success and your personal life? Lots of musicians have a day job for a paycheck--is that a compromise you don't want to or definitely cannot make? I know working a job you hate can kind of drain your artistic expression! Then again, hiding who you are (if who you love/date is important to your ideas about yourself) could be an obstacle, too. Hugs to you. That really is a tough situation. Thanks for explaining better.

Torn, I have a book called "the book of no," and I love it--try to flip through it every few months to remind myself that I have a right to set limits. I think AvPDers usually have problems being assertive. I wonder whether most of us with those traits also feel over-responsible for others? It stinks to have one part of your brain want to help others and one part of your brain want to run from others. For me, I think it's partly my poor inner concept that drives me to make up for my "badness" by helping other people; I think it's the only way to make up for it.

BTW, I don't think your posts here come across as pedantic (I hope it's helpful to hear a third party giving a different viewpoint and it's not invalidating--because it was also nice to hear that you understand the feeling!).